Not long ago, I received this message in a group chat.
Hi, I live in a single-parent family. A couple of days ago, I found a bunch of BDSM toys in the cupboard where we keep tea, and I saw some pretty explicit chat records between my mom and someone on her iPad’s QQ app. The conversations were more graphic than some of the novels I’ve read. I can’t believe my mom could write something like that. I’m feeling really upset and confused right now. Why is my mom like this?”
I want to say that I understand how you feel.
Growing up, our mom was our superhero. She always had delicious meals ready and kept our home magically clean. No matter how tough things got, she was our warm, safe haven.
But we need to recognize the “selfishness” in this mindset. We confine a living person to the role of “mom,” expecting her to be gentle, loving, and selfless, without a private life. Moms aren’t superheroes or heroes; they’re human beings with feelings, desires, flaws, and strengths.
We shouldn’t just debate whether moms can participate in BDSM and if it sets a bad example for children. We should consider:
A single mom, handling all responsibilities alone, might choose to relax in ways she enjoys (like some play mahjong, and she might enjoy BDSM). If she does this privately and it doesn’t affect others, should it really cause us so much distress?
When I was younger, I might’ve agreed with the poster that my mom’s image was shattered, but now, I’d probably be happy for her. At least she has her interests and life beyond being “mom.”
My mom has done things that shocked me, but it never changed the fact that she’s my mom, and I love her. For instance, in junior high, she was more addicted to gaming than I was.
I’d get home at 7 PM, and by 9 PM, she’d be asking if I finished my homework and wanted to go to the internet café. I played World of Warcraft while she played Dance Dance Revolution, her fingers flying across the keyboard.
She’d play until 11 PM, and I’d have to remind her I had school the next day. If I didn’t, she could play all night. She even married someone in the game, calling them “husband.” Imagine my shock hearing her call someone “husband” online when she called my dad “hey, come help” in real life.
I once asked why she married someone in the game. She said, “In real life, I can only have one husband. Can’t I have multiple in the game? Don’t tell your dad, or I won’t take you to the café again.”
Years later, I learned this voice style is called “baby voice.” I thought, “This can be popular? My mom was doing it years ago.”
But no matter how late she played, breakfast was always ready by 5:30 AM, and she’d pack my bag with an umbrella or flashlight if it was rainy or snowy.
Back then, I thought she had endless energy, always responsible, not realizing that gaming was her escape from all roles to be herself.
Once, I didn’t do well on an exam. My dad blamed gaming and wanted to ban it. Mom argued that she also gamed without it affecting her work or family duties. She said, “There are many reasons for a poor exam result. Maybe he didn’t perform well or it was material he hadn’t reviewed. Someone who can game well can also study well. Let’s address gaps and do better next time.”
She later came to my room, saying, “Buddy, you need to do better next time. I need your success to support my argument that gaming doesn’t affect your studies.”
That’s when I realized that before becoming a mom, she was lively, funny, and full of life. After I was born, she took on the role of a mother, giving me love and protection in her unique way.
We can criticize, like the poster did—“this isn’t a good mother,” “how can a mom be so indiscreet”—but if such criticism forces mothers to suppress their humanity and only play a “divine, selfless” role, it’s a great tragedy.
The poster might understand this but was shocked by discovering her mom’s private life, struggling to reconcile this with her known image of “mom.”
We all have our public and private sides. When judging others morally, we may feel self-righteous, but no one is truly more noble than another.
So, poster, don’t let this cause a rift with your mom. She’s fulfilled her role as a mother well. Embrace her imperfections and accept her as a person with her own needs and desires.
In 2018, when I started my business, my mom asked what I was doing.
I told her I was involved in BDSM-related content and products.
She asked how I knew about it and if I participated. I hesitated but admitted it, asking if she thought it was perverse.
She said, “No, young people need some fun. As long as it’s legal, I support you.”
It felt like when she took me to the internet café, not as mother and child, but as two people connecting, being ourselves.
I told her, “I support you too, no matter what you do.”
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