I often get asked, “Where can you find partners within the community?” (As if any channel guarantees success, LOL…)
However, over the years, my core social circle has become more clear about their actual needs, and they have expressed that they prefer not to find partners “within the community.”
I need to clarify that their reasons differ fundamentally from those often depicted in cringe-worthy puppy love stories where people claim, “You’re just a puppy, not a real partner. I always separate play from life and don’t find partners within the community.”
Those stories often stigmatize kinks while secretly wanting to satisfy their own kinks, or they build relationships with a selfish, utilitarian mindset, dumping all the emotional burden on the other person.
My friends’ reasons for “not looking within the community” are different—they want serious, love-centered relationships and their kink is more of a bonus rather than a prerequisite. They prefer finding partners naturally and then balancing their kinks with them.
After all, “deliberately looking within the community” often implies that kink is a primary or at least a crucial factor in finding a partner.
But for them, kink is just a way to enhance the relationship. The initial kink compatibility doesn’t matter much. Moreover, many community social scenes can lead to utilitarian relationships, and talking about sex with strangers can easily cross boundaries and cause offense, making it hard to have a good social experience.
They hope to establish attraction and compatibility on other levels first before considering kinks, so they intentionally downplay sexual purposes in early social interactions.
I’ve collected some opinions and views from friends on how nurturing a relationship plus integrating kink can be incredibly fulfilling~
The reality is that online discussions about BDSM have changed compared to five or ten years ago. Back then, it felt somewhat underground, like you had to “find the group” to talk about it.
But now, BDSM can be a popular subcultural joke. For example, before, BDSM jokes involved public scenes like crawling on a leash, which most people found “too perverted.”
Nowadays, it’s more about humorous memes with comments like “The world is a giant S&M, and life is the biggest S.”
So, it’s not difficult for young people and familiar friends to casually discuss BDSM. You might just send an “explosive attribute” emoji, and someone might respond, revealing they share the kink. Finding people with similar kinks around you is easier than before.
One female friend, A, expressed a similar sentiment:
“I feel that if we resonate with each other, our kinks can generally be compatible. Although I didn’t make kink compatibility a prerequisite when meeting friends, I often find that those I get along with for a long time have similar kinks.”
Another friend, B, added her observation:
“In my experience, the higher the social circle’s quality and mindset, the more accepting friends are of kinks. Even if they are vanilla, they won’t morally judge your kink and are willing to listen. As partners, they are more open to trying things with you (as long as your kink isn’t too hardcore or risky).”
Therefore, in high-quality groups, there’s less need to be obsessed with niche kink channels to find a compatible partner. It’s easier to have a good interaction experience with them.
Some friends believe that when looking for a partner, the qualities you care about are more important than their kink.
For example, if someone identifies as an S/Dom, it often just means they desire to be an S/Dom, not that they have the ability to be a good S/Dom.
Just like those on Twitter who claim to be “sex addicts” to show off their high libido—if they can only last thirty seconds each time, it’s pointless.
So, more people are starting to look for partners who fit their ideal image in real life and then gradually adjust to each other’s kinks.
Female friend C shared her clear strategy for finding a nurturing “master,” which is very insightful:
“My kink is M/sub. As a sub, I struggle with focusing and have low energy levels. Being in safe and trusted discipline gives me motivation and a sense of purpose. My ideal dominant partner doesn’t need to share my kink but must have these qualities:
1. Abundant energy and vitality, positive mindset, stable core, and self-discipline—these satisfy my desire for strength and generate admiration, qualities I currently lack but aspire to have.
2. Good character, responsible, principled, and considerate—this ensures a safe and reliable experience in play, avoiding abuse of power.
3. An inclusive attitude towards the complex world, tending towards the N side—easy to resonate with my values.”
Luckily, I met such a man in real life. After confirming our mutual feelings, I told him about my kink. Initially, he didn’t understand “why someone would get pleasure from being hit,” so I patiently explained with knowledge from theories.
Although he didn’t fully understand, he promised to try it with me safely to make me happy. Surprisingly, he got the hang of it after a few attempts.
Because I “nurtured” his kink, he paid close attention to my reactions throughout, worried about causing discomfort, and was very attentive with aftercare, giving me an unprecedented sense of security.
Moreover, his “manager” temperament shines through at work as he leads a small team, without needing to act. When I’m lacking motivation and exhausted, having him set task lists and supervise me steadily makes me feel so happy~
Others find that kink is just a way to enhance the relationship and don’t feel the need to strictly adhere to roles or attributes. As long as the partner is willing to try new things, it’s enough. Strictly following attribute rules might feel restrictive, whereas “nurtured” people fit perfectly.
For instance, my kink is switch + brat, able to play various roles lightly, mainly aiming for equal interaction and mutual happiness. I can identify and customize specific kink roles that suit my partner’s sexual energy.
If the partner is a sunny, big, golden retriever mom type, enjoying being pleasing and dominated, I can be a bratty service top who enjoys teasing unexpectedly.
If the partner is proactive and dominant, enjoying the feeling of control, I can be an M enjoying his handling, occasionally revealing bratty power with a sudden tease.
(The ultimate fun is always teasing; the process just varies.)
Other friends also shared their thoughts. Male friend D said:
“I think it’s more about understanding the person, and then the brain naturally adjusts to the partner’s kink. ‘Adjust’ might not be accurate, but I think the brain is the largest sexual organ. Because of love, the inclination becomes more noticeable in the interaction.”
I was initially just curious, not very familiar with these attributes (I learned about them from a public account), so I didn’t have a strong attribute. It’s all about love as a prerequisite, making me willing to explore with my partner.
Female friend @Doctor’s Husband shared her experience:
“My wife has been my friend for ten years. He used to teach me physics in high school, and now he’s my m teaching me how to bind him in bed. A teacher’s job is to impart knowledge and solve doubts~
It wasn’t always this harmonious. Long ago, my wife thought he was an S. Later, he couldn’t stop being an M. Having this kink made him feel embarrassed, and becoming an M made him even more ashamed, doubting his ability to have a normal relationship. I couldn’t accept 1i sex before either, as penetration made me resistant and uncomfortable.
But just like I couldn’t accept 1i initially, my wife hadn’t tried 4i with his exes. I proposed it, and he found the idea intriguing because he liked the thought of his body attracting and being possessed by me. Our kinks weren’t perfectly matched from the start but developed in sync through practice.
Our current harmony comes from love preceding sex, with sex as an aid and expression of love. He’s reassured that I won’t reject him for being an M; instead, I enjoy nurturing him. I feel reassured that he won’t hurt me, seeing positions as mere fun, while our mutual support and reliance define our core relationship.
A while ago, I tried social apps but quickly uninstalled them. Just because I was listed as a woman, I received many messages asking if I accepted “dogs,” making me feel like a dog breeder, so I ran away overnight.
Being a 4i person, I couldn’t rely on such methods to find friends. Finding a suitable partner depends on luck and fate. Finding a normal, empathetic person who respects others in a stranger’s hormone-charged social scene is even more difficult. For a while, I thought spending my life alone was my most likely outcome.
At least for safety reasons, I’d be very cautious when choosing a partner because of the physical differences between men and women. If exposed, society’s attitude is very double-standard. Even some 4i men, posing as sister seekers, might flip and demand 1i in bed.
I’ve encountered such situations where a former boyfriend, despite prior 4i agreement, flipped and demanded 1i in the hotel room, almost assaulting me. He might have been curious about new things or wanted to keep me around, or maybe he realized he couldn’t handle it in practice and changed his mind.
After this incident, I became even more opposed to 1i and didn’t date for five years (not within the community, but a normal relationship). It wasn’t until I met my current partner that things changed (as I mentioned earlier). He helped me realize I’m not inherently against certain play; I just hadn’t met the right person.
In conclusion, while we indulge in extreme and diverse fantasies, reality requires us to not take fictional scenarios too seriously. Kink is not everything.
I believe BDSM involves deeper integration than regular vanilla relationships, especially with mental DS aspects. It can’t be casually tried with just anyone.
The good experience in DS comes from one party having a strong motivation to trust the other deeply, while the other party has a strong motivation to be highly responsible for the other (accepting more power means bearing more responsibility).
This cannot be achieved in a utilitarian and casual relationship, let alone with two strangers labeled as dom and sub pretending to play house for a good experience.
Otherwise, why would someone simply labeled as dom deserve more power naturally?
Only in a sufficiently intimate relationship, where you have enough internal drive to trust and rely on the other, can there be a reasonable explanation for “why.”
Instead of obsessing over where to find a kink-compatible partner, focus on finding a partner with love and trust as the premise, and explore exciting things together.
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