While we emphasize the SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) principles in BDSM, defining the boundaries of power exchange is often challenging. Unequal power dynamics can extend beyond play into disputes and daily life, leading to physical and mental harm for the submissive (sub/M).
Many subs have faced violations of power boundaries but struggle to say no due to people-pleasing tendencies, inexperience in rejecting others, or being trapped in their submissive role. We collected stories from subs who regret not refusing their dominant’s unreasonable commands:
@Anonymous
My boyfriend and I had agreed to have sex, but I’m very slow to warm up and didn’t want to have sex the first time we met. When we closed the hotel door, he immediately switched to a dominant mode, and I felt so small and mesmerized that I went along with it. Afterward, out of that state, I regretted it, feeling disrespected. Now, he’s my ex.
@Joanna
In the early stages with a new S, who was more of a sadist than a dom, he focused on punishment without logical reasons. Once, I asked if he was home yet, and he angrily responded, “Didn’t you see my earlier message? I said I was on my way home!” He wanted to punish me for asking. When I expressed my intent and my feelings, he said I was talking back and didn’t deserve to feel hurt, demanding I take two punishments. This wasn’t play; it was just unfair.
@Anonymous
I’m a sub, and my ex was a dom. Once, while watching TV and asking him to get me some water, I lightly teased him when he refused. He pinned me down and started dirty talk, getting increasingly into it while I felt forced into play, eventually leading to punishment for something minor.
@Little White Cat
As a sub with a puppy kink, I dislike face slapping and had told my dom. However, he suggested using it as punishment. Although I felt uneasy, I didn’t firmly reject it. During a session, he said, “I’ll reward you with a slap, okay?” I nodded in my dazed state and was slapped. He called it a reward, but I felt our trust collapse.
@Yoyo
My dom, five years younger and a fit, sunny guy, was usually hard to resist despite discomforts. Before our first session, I gave him my kinky list, making clear I disliked anal play. He understood initially but later demanded I rim him. I felt cornered, unable to refuse while bound. Post-session, he dismissed my objections, insisting I liked it because I didn’t outright refuse during the act.
@Anonymous
As the eldest child with a strict father, I was taught to yield without protest. This translated into relationships where I adjusted to please others, struggling to assert my dislikes. My dom suggested a genital piercing. Despite my fears, I consented to avoid disappointing him, leading to persistent anxiety. To cope, I convinced myself I liked it.
@Luna
My former S persistently urged me to try anal play. Despite my discomfort, he framed it as a patient, considerate suggestion, pushing me to agree to try. The experience was unpleasant and degrading, proving my initial reluctance right. His insistence wasn’t about my pleasure but claiming dominance. I should’ve firmly said no without needing to prove my dislike through trying.
@Anonymous
As a people-pleaser and INFJ, I often fell for narcissistic doms. One dom, new to BDSM, ignored my fear of shaving, insisting it was harmless. Under his pressure, I reluctantly complied. His demands escalated until I ended it. Now, with a supportive dom, I confidently refuse anything I’m uncomfortable with.
If you struggle with saying no, it’s crucial to recognize and address this issue. Reading these stories might help you identify toxic dynamics and find your voice. Prioritize self-love and assert your boundaries firmly. Remember, your well-being comes first.
Think You Can Tame a Brat? It’s Not That Simple
When it comes to dealing with a brat, the approach is everything. If you go in with the mindset of “taming” them, you’re likely to hit a wall of resistance. Brats respond much better to a partner who can match their playful defiance with patience and creativity, making the dynamic enjoyable for both sides.
I often get questions like, “My partner tested as a brat in a BDSM quiz. Any tips on how to play with a brat?” As a dedicated brat myself, I’m here to share some insights on how newbie doms can make playtime with a brat more enjoyable.
First, understand what makes a brat tick. Brats love to:
1. Get attention by being mischievous, feeling important and noticed.
2. Break the everyday rules and act out within a safe, understanding relationship, feeling uniquely accepted.
3. Create harmless chaos to spice up life, finding excitement in pushing boundaries.
4. Elicit reactions from their partner, feeling accomplished when they get a specific response.
5. Enjoy the thrilling build-up of “punishment” after their antics, relishing the inescapable consequences.
Brat play can be broken down into two phases: “Mischief in Progress” and “Facing the Consequences.”
Phase One: Playing Along with Mischief
During the mischief phase, the joy comes from your reactions. Ignoring their antics or reacting too harshly can deflate their spirits. It’s crucial to strike a balance. For example, if they hide your shoes while you shower, don’t just get another pair without a word or lash out in frustration. Instead, make a playful yet exaggerated show of frustration.
Tips for playing along:
• Use exaggerated threats or complaints to show you’re “annoyed” but in a playful manner.
• Display overly dramatic reactions to their antics.
• Pretend to lose your mind with comically intense reactions, like screaming or exaggerated physical movements.
• Stage a mock hunt for the brat, making it clear you’re playing along rather than genuinely angry.
For a brat, seeing you get “worked up” (even if it’s just an act) adds to their thrill. The process of your reactions escalating (but still under control) mirrors the build-up to a sexual climax, creating an intense psychological satisfaction for the brat.
Phase Two: Delivering the Consequences
After the mischief, the brat often looks forward to the “punishment” phase. A well-executed punishment can be the perfect end to their playful defiance. It’s essential to choose punishments that the brat finds stimulating but also challenging enough to be considered a consequence.
For example, if they enjoy spanking, switch to a more intense implement during punishment. Always ensure the chosen punishment aligns with their interests and limits, avoiding anything they genuinely fear or dislike.
Understanding the brat’s sensitivity and preferences through prior discussions about likes, dislikes, and boundaries is crucial. This ensures the punishment feels more like a culmination of the playful interaction rather than a harsh reprimand.
It might seem challenging at first to strike the right balance, but with time and practice, you’ll find that engaging with a brat in this way can be incredibly rewarding. It’s all about the unique bond and mutual understanding that develops between you.
By keeping these tips in mind, you can create a dynamic and enjoyable experience for both you and your bratty partner. Happy playing!
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