What service do you most need from your partner?

In a BDSM relationship, it’s often challenging for individuals to articulate what they truly want.

This leads many partners to realize after getting together that what they receive from the other person doesn’t match their expectations.

For instance, some people seek love as a foundation, only to find someone who’s only interested in physical intimacy.

Therefore, we interviewed several players in the community to see what they really want from their partners.

S/Dom Segment

Youzuoshan, Female, 27, Dom

I think the service I need most from my partner is genuine respect.

As a female Dom, I receive many polite but disrespectful messages.

For example, “Hello, your feet are really beautiful, the most symmetrical I’ve ever seen. Can you take a picture of your soles for me to worship?”

Or, “Hello Queen, I think you have a great figure, but you should wear stockings and high heels to accentuate this advantage, not clogs. It would make you more attractive, and the photos should be taken from below to create a sense of awe.”

Politeness is not equivalent to respect. Many polite conversations are laced with deep male gaze.

Many people seem to idolize you, putting you on a pedestal, but they’re actually forcing you to change yourself to fit their aesthetic fantasies. Despite the politeness, it still makes me uncomfortable.

Why must female dominants wear high heels and stockings? I love wearing clogs because they’re comfortable and don’t hurt my feet.

I hope my partner can give me genuine respect, entering the relationship not just out of fleeting sexual interest, wanting me to play the role of their sexual fantasy, but genuinely trying to understand what I want and what I think.

Zibuyu, Male, 29, S

The service I need from my partner is contrast. Our happiness comes from this.

Her profession is somewhat sensitive; in everyday life, everyone treats her with utmost respect. She’s also quite cold and distant, and people find her intimidating and unapproachable from a distance.

But at home, she transforms completely, becoming obedient and submissive, the exact opposite of her usual self.

Every time she hands over control, I tease her, “Officer, who would have thought you’re this type of person? So different on the outside and inside.”

Then she becomes incredibly shy.

Sansui, Female, 30, Switch

I need my partner to do housework and apply body lotion for me, hahaha.

M/Sub Segment

Doris, Female, 24, Sub

I need my partner to provide a one-click bath function… washing myself is too tiring.

Vicki, Female, 23, Sub

I need pure sleeping companionship! Just pure sleeping! A long, long hug before bed! Hearing each other’s heartbeats! Then gradually hearing the steady sound of their breathing, and then their body heat slowly transferring to mine, so I can peacefully fall asleep too! It’s really hard to sleep alone.

Baiye, Female, 25, Sub

I have a people-pleasing personality, usually thinking about how to serve my master well. When he’s happy, I’m happy too. Suddenly being asked this question, I can’t help but start thinking about what I need from my partner.

After much thought, the common issue with people-pleasers is extreme sensitivity and a strong desire for validation. So, the service I hope for from my partner is “praise for my efforts.” No matter what I do for my master, as long as I’m praised and told I did well, I’ll feel extremely satisfied and think it was all worth it.

No Dog Barking, Female, 21, Sub

It’s love. I need my love to be reciprocated.

Zouzhidi, Female, 26, M

Although I introduced BDSM to my boyfriend, and he became my S, sometimes I feel he serves me too much. He asks what I want, then learns it, and tries to satisfy me, making me feel like I’m the one in control.

I actually want to be forced (with prior communication). For example, being denied orgasm just before climax, being told that if he doesn’t want it, I have no right to reach it. Or, being forced into orgasm when I don’t want it, being told that if he wants it, I have no right to refuse.

48 suddenly chimes in: People often misunderstand the mindset of subs or masochists. They seem to want to be forced or commanded but don’t want arbitrary orders. If their opinions are overly considered, it’s “not dominant enough;” if they’re overly forced, it’s “disrespectful.”

This is a communication issue. It’s highly recommended to look at previous discussions on partner communication. Subs and masochists need to clearly define a circle: outside the circle are things they cannot accept, inside the circle, the partner has free rein.

Zhi, Female, 23, Sub

Initially, he wanted me to be his “footstool,”

Later, he wanted me to be his “puppy;”

Then, he wanted me to be “obedient;”

Then, he wanted me to be “less clingy;”

Finally, I asked him what he needed me to do next.

He said, “I don’t need you anymore.”

Humble Worker, Female, 25, Sub

I need my partner to supervise my studying and sleeping, to save me from being a night owl.

M-Ka, Female, 25, Sub

I need my partner to blow-dry my hair. It’s exhausting to dry it myself with so much hair…

Anonymous, Sub

Here’s what I need:

Side Story: Brat Segment

Anonymous, Brat

I need my Dom to actively respond to my every act of defiance.

Don’t tell me, “Fine, I’ll let you off this time.”

I bruised your arm! How can you forgive me! I’m a terrible person!

Come on, punish me already!

Crying!

Anonymous, Brat

I need my master to go to work for me, but I still get the salary, hehe.

In our survey, participants provided various submissions detailing what they need from their partners.

However, one submission was thought-provoking:

“Every time I need something from my partner, I always wonder, what can I offer in return?”

What are your thoughts on today’s topic—“needs”? Feel free to share and discuss in the comments.