Lack of Love
In the BDSM community, “lack of love” is a frequently mentioned term. We often hear “lack of love” used in various self-analyses or as a reason for certain issues.
Among the private messages and comments received on the WeChat public account, many have mentioned the term “lack of love,” especially from female submissives (sub). Many of these experiences of lacking love are accompanied by feelings of inferiority, compromise, loss of subjectivity, insecurity, repeated testing, difficulty in forming stable relationships, and disbelief in true love. (It’s important to note that there is no direct correlation or causation between “submissive tendencies” and “lack of love.” For example, the notion that “female submissives are so because of a lack of love or fatherly love” is overly simplistic and unreasonable.)
Concerns About “Lack of Love” from Discussions and Private Messages
@Anonymous
It’s not about lacking paternal or maternal love; it’s just a lack of love, a psychological deficiency that makes me crave love more. I’m the type who goes crazy and cries when I don’t feel loved, desperately seeking someone who I think can love me. But once I get love, I start worrying, feeling unsure and conflicted, thinking he doesn’t really love me, he’s just pretending, or he could leave me at any moment. This is probably why I keep changing partners, leaving them when they love me the most. It feels so wrong, but I can’t control myself.
At first, it might be about the conflict between love and not love, but later it becomes about the thrill. In the cycle of seeking love and then feeling unloved or wronged, I leave. It’s so conflicted.
@Anonymous
Although it feels unhealthy, this is my hidden truth—I realize that what I need from an S/dom is not a “person,” but a role, a persona.
Because “people” are multi-faceted, they have strong moments and weak moments, independent moments and helpless moments. But what I seek is a flat “role” that fits my expectations of an S/dom.
Because in my past life, I was always the strong one, the decision-maker, the one responsible for others, and the strong role was absent around me.
So I looked for this role in BDSM, placing it in a branch of my life, responsible for displaying all the fantasies of a strong person I admired, giving me a guided feeling. I would call him Daddy or Master, fulfilling his expectations of an M.
The specific person playing this role is not important, as long as they give me that feeling. This is why I can easily move on from a relationship. But this role-based relationship is fragile—if their persona collapses and destroys that “feeling,” they lose their qualification.
If I don’t say it, they might never know the real reason I withdrew. If I do say it, most people’s reaction would probably be, “That’s it? What’s the big deal?” Because my reasons are so absurd. For instance, I once had an S who was a university professor, perfectly fitting the Master’s persona. But later, we had a business interaction, and seeing him being berated by an irate investor made me lose interest.
Another S was a middle manager at a large company, initially fitting the persona perfectly. But after our first session, during the post-coital “saintly period,” he spent the night complaining about his work woes. Seeing his frustrated face and hearing his slightly tearful voice, I knew the relationship was over. (Since they had plenty of options in real life, it didn’t harm them much, and I always said a proper goodbye with a decent excuse.)
I often feel empty and bored, always expecting yet constantly disappointed.
@Anonymous
I’m not sure if it’s because of a lack of love, but I’m always seeking love from these non-romantic relationships. Does he love me? What would make him love me? Is it because I’m not pretty enough? Not obedient enough?
No, he just doesn’t like me. I know, if he likes someone, they don’t have to be extremely beautiful or obedient. These requirements are just his expectations of me, his requirements for a pet. We don’t seem to have anything to talk about, day after day of boring topics. Only when talking about sex does he seem a bit more interested…
@Zzz, Female Sub, 24
I don’t agree with the notion that “female submissives lack fatherly love,” because I, for one, did not suffer any trauma, pressure, violence, or neglect from my family growing up. My parents are gentle and kind, trying to create a relaxed and loving environment for me, reassuring me that “there’s no need to compare with others, you’re already doing great.”
However, I am someone who pushes myself and is deeply obsessive. Most of my painful experiences related to “lack of love” stem from anxiety about competing with classmates and, because I was small and physically weak in primary and middle school, being bullied. In high school, I found it hard to fit in, always being alone. Additionally, my conservative upbringing regarding sexuality, long neglect of personal appearance and social interactions, and lack of attractiveness made me feel that I missed out on certain teenage experiences.
Throughout primary and high school, I excelled academically, making my teachers and parents trust and not worry about me much. However, I yearned for a “dominant” figure in a close relationship, someone who could protect and discipline me—someone who, in public, would scare away anyone bullying me, and in private, would correct me, pulling my ears and telling me what to do or not to do. I would constantly strive to improve myself to gain their recognition and attention.
Recognition from those better than me brings a lot of satisfaction. For instance, during sessions, when he praises me for being the best he’s ever had in certain aspects, whether he’s sincere or just being nice, it instantly makes me happy.
@Xiao D, Female M & Sub, 21
I feel like I’m trapped in a cyclical curse. In the past, due to a lack of love, I was always passive in relationships, anxious, and fearful of being abandoned. For some reason, based on past experiences, every time a relationship reached its peak, the inevitable next step was the other person’s declining interest.
Over time, I’ve become obsessed with short-term relationships, enjoying the initial intense, ambiguous, and tension-filled stages. This is when the other party usually invests the most effort, fulfilling my greedy expectations for “love.” Additionally, because we maintain some distance, my affection for the other person is mainly based on the beautiful moments they present to me, embellished by my imagination.
But once I sense that their feelings for me have peaked, I instinctively withdraw. It’s not about having an avoidant attachment style or only liking those who don’t like me; it’s because I foresee that after the peak comes the inevitable decline and disillusionment.
Every time I start liking someone who was initially very attentive to me, showing care and investing effort, they soon become indifferent, making me feel betrayed.
For example, initially, he would be excited to fly to my city to see me, but later, he would casually suggest I visit him during his next business trip to save on accommodation. Initially, he would take me to candlelit dinners that needed reservations a week in advance, but later it would be a fast-food place (not that there’s anything wrong with fast food). Initially, he would engage in long conversations, but later, it would be me saying goodnight with no reply for days, and the excuse would always be “busy.”
I can afford those expensive things myself, but I’m terrified when someone who once cared about me no longer does. The contrast makes me want to escape.
I know being insecure and hesitant is not good, so now I try to be overly proactive at the beginning of relationships, trying to prove “I’m not insecure, I’m casual, I can win even if I let you make the first move.”
But whether it’s my past passive and insecure self or the current exaggeratedly proactive persona, I seem to always ignore my true feelings—I’m still stuck in a cycle of internal conflict, unable to be like those who act purely based on instinct, unaffected by how they’re perceived. I’m always twisted and inconsistent.
What to Do If You Lack Love and Can’t Find “Ideal Love”?
If you consider yourself lacking love and wanting to receive love but struggle to find it, you should strive to maintain a positive attitude, avoid falling into a vicious cycle of despair, and not give up hope in seeking love. True love is a vital nourishment in life, and it’s worth pursuing.
Here are some ways I adjusted after a breakup, which can also apply to the situation of lacking love:
1. Acknowledge Your Lack of Love
Often, we feel that admitting a lack of love is like tearing open a wound, so we avoid facing it and deceive ourselves. This mindset makes it hard to internalize correct principles (like “don’t waste energy on unworthy people”), and similar situations will always pull us back into the pit.
Accepting the desire for love does not equate to weakness and should not be a source of shame. Avoid falling into the abyss of “I’m not worthy of love.” Your suffering often comes from mismatched people. Everyone has their lovable qualities.
Recognizing your true needs is the first step to building a strong sense of self. If possible, talking to a qualified therapist can help you clarify your deep-seated needs. Writing a journal or confiding in a trusted friend can also help (like submitting to this article is a form of expression).
2. Analyze Your Needs in “Love”
Clearly define in your mind whether you are genuinely longing for love or seeking something else that can be distinguished from love.
For example, as mentioned in the submissions, it could be about healing past traumas, gaining recognition
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