Understanding the Line Between BDSM and Violence
A reader recently left a comment asking, “Can you explain the difference between BDSM and violence?” They had found an S, but felt uncomfortable during their interactions without being able to pinpoint why.
Understanding when BDSM crosses the line into abuse and violence, and how to determine if you’re experiencing violence, is a crucial topic within the BDSM community.
Why is it easy to cross the line?
We all know that the essence of BDSM is “the consensual exchange of power.” This means that A agrees to temporarily relinquish some of their power to B, allowing B to control and command them to a certain extent. This could be a short-term bedroom activity or a 24/7 dynamic that includes daily life. Meanwhile, B agrees to take control during this period and is responsible for ensuring A’s physical and psychological safety.
It’s undeniable that for the inexperienced, this model can easily breed violence because the word “command” inherently carries a sense of violence. It means that regardless of whether you want to do something, you must do it; otherwise, there will be corresponding punishment.
For example, during the era of slavery, once black slaves were purchased by their masters, they were required to work for at least seven years. When slave masters commanded their slaves to work, they also wielded whips. But you can’t say they were engaging in BDSM, right?
That’s because this was not based on mutual consent but rather a unilateral imposition of violence by the slave master.
This fundamentally differs from the goals of modern BDSM relationships, which aim for mutual enjoyment. Observing the development and discussions within modern BDSM, you’ll find that the core aim is to maintain the dramatic aspect of “commands” while stripping away the violent attributes of those commands.
For instance, we refer to “SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual)” as the basic principle of modern BDSM. This emphasizes the importance of mutual consent, especially for the submissive, who can always say no to something they don’t accept.
Similarly, the “safe word” system allows any ongoing activity to be halted immediately upon utterance, ensuring balance—one party has the power to command, while the other has the power to stop.
The Difference Between BDSM and Violence
A reader might think, “Oh, now I get it! To determine whether a BDSM relationship is violent, we just need to see if mutual consent was sought before the activity. If the other party didn’t consent and you use the whip, that’s violence; if both parties consented, then it’s just intimate play.”
Yes, but not entirely.
The concept of “consent” is far more complex upon closer examination.
On March 11, 2021, Australian police arrested a 40-year-old man from New South Wales on charges of “sex slavery.”
The man, James Robert Davis, was a prominent figure in the local BDSM community. Police found six women at his residence whom he had “manipulated and enslaved.”
During the investigation, Davis presented “contracts” he had signed with these women, claiming they were all voluntary and consensual.
However, two of these women testified otherwise, telling the police that they had been coerced. “If we didn’t sign, we would face physical abuse and death threats.”
This case is still under trial.
Does this case involve mutual consent? Technically, yes—there were even written agreements.
But is this “mutual consent” valid? Absolutely not, because the consent was given under duress, which is inherently violent.
To identify even the subtlest forms of violence within BDSM, we must discuss what constitutes “valid” mutual consent. Let’s dive into that discussion.
1. Rationality
First, valid consent must be given in a rational state of mind.
Rationality means the individual possesses normal logical thinking and judgment when giving consent.
For example, if A is heavily intoxicated and B brings them home, saying, “Hey, we’re having such a great time, how about we do xxx? If you agree, just nod your head.” A, in their drunken state, giggles and nods.
Is this consent valid? Of course not. When someone can’t even solve 1+1, any induced consent should be considered an extension of violence.
In 2007, Ontario, Canada, saw an extreme case: KD v. JA. JA was KD’s girlfriend. They played with breath play, and JA explicitly told KD to continue even if she passed out. KD complied, and when JA woke up, she was horrified. JA sued KD, who was convicted of assault and rape because Canadian law states that engaging in sexual activities with an unconscious person is sexual exploitation, regardless of prior consent.
When our partner is not fully conscious, adopting their consent is an extension of violence, even if it’s not criminal.
Similarly, consent given under threats or inducements is not valid either. Such decisions are not made freely but under constraint.
For example, B hints to A, “If you’re willing to play xxx with me, I have a big business deal for you.” A looks at their empty wallet, grits their teeth, and says, “Fine! I agree!”
Is this valid consent? It may not be illegal, but it doesn’t eliminate the violence.
Violence, as defined by Foucault in “Discipline and Punish,” is not limited to hard coercion. Its essence is exploitation, which can be achieved through “information asymmetry,” “inducement,” “discipline,” and other means.
For instance, some S/Doms might say to their M/Subs, “Others can do it; why can’t you? You’re not a good M/Sub.”
At first glance, this doesn’t seem violent, but as per the explanation of violence above, this statement hides a form of violence based on information asymmetry—“Why say you’re not good? Because I’ve seen many subs, I’ve been in the scene longer, and I’m more knowledgeable, so my words are correct. You know nothing, so you should listen to me. If I say you’re wrong, you’re wrong.”
As mentioned earlier, if coercion brings about rigid violence, then inducement brings about soft violence.
When people feel uncomfortable but can’t pinpoint why it’s often due to subtle forms of soft violence. If you’re agreeing to things not for your enjoyment but to be seen as a good sub in someone’s eyes, you’ll naturally feel uncomfortable.
Similarly, the reason we advise against minors engaging in BDSM isn’t discrimination. It’s because, generally, minors lack the cognitive and judgment skills needed for consent, making them more susceptible to explicit and implicit violence, leading to seemingly valid but actually invalid consent.
2. Revocability
Second, “valid consent” must be revocable at any time. If there’s no freedom to withdraw consent, there’s no way to avoid violence.
For example, B tells A, “Let’s spank you 100 times,” and A responds, “Sure, let’s see if you can do it. If you can’t, you’re a loser.”
This angers B, who then powers up. At fifty spanks, A uses the safe word, saying, “No, no, no, I can’t continue.”
Can B then say, “Hey, you agreed earlier. You must endure the entire thing”?
If I regret my consent during the activity and my partner refuses to acknowledge my change of heart, is that violent?
Yes. Even if the activity has started, if one party wants to stop, this request must be respected.
Many argue, “That’s unfair; it’s all about the sub then. Doesn’t the Dom have any rights?”
Modern BDSM is about balancing power. The sub’s almost absolute veto power is necessary because, without it, the Dom could act with impunity.
A few years ago, a news report highlighted a girl who agreed to go to a hotel with a guy she just met at a bar. Once inside, she changed her mind. The guy clung to her previous agreement, refusing to let her leave, ultimately requiring police intervention.
In simple terms, you can avoid someone who is always indecisive, but you can’t force them to follow through once they’ve changed their mind.
3. Only Yes Means Yes
Third, in “valid consent,” there is no such thing as “implied consent.” Only explicit consent counts; everything else should be considered a “no.”
In 1991, boxer Mike Tyson’s rape case: Tyson was a judge at a beauty pageant and invited 18-year-old contestant Desiree Washington for dinner. He kissed her in the car, took her to his hotel room, and asked her to shower, which she did without protest.
Tyson believed these actions indicated her consent to have sex, but they did not. Ultimately, Tyson was sentenced to 3.5 years for rape.
In BDSM, consent to watch a movie together doesn’t mean one can touch the other. Consent to a dynamic doesn’t mean one can humiliate the other at any time. Explicit consent is needed for every action.
Some might say, including some submissives, “I’m shy; I can’t express such things directly.” If you prefer to make your partner guess, you risk being misunderstood and hurt.
To summarize, we’ve discussed the difference between BDSM actions and violence:
1. Any activity must begin with mutual “informed consent” to be BDSM. Without it, the risk of violence is significantly higher.
2. BDSM activities with mutual consent may still involve violence if the consent is not “valid.”
3. Valid consent must be given in a “rational” state of mind.
4. Valid consent must be “revocable” at any time.
5. Valid consent must be “explicit,” not assumed or inferred.
How to Determine If You’re Experiencing Violence
Some might think it’s simple: just check for injuries or force.
As discussed, violence can be subtle and pervasive. Explicit violence is easy to identify, but implicit violence often leaves no trace.
A girl once shared that her Dom hadn’t spoken to her for three months because she was overweight. Her Dom said she could see him once she weighed less than 100 pounds.
I asked if she was comfortable in that relationship.
She said no, because her Dom ignored her and occasionally scolded her for losing weight too slowly. She felt immense pressure and guilt, considering surgery to lose weight and improve the situation.
But it wasn’t her fault. The Dom’s abuse of power bred violence. When one party can impose their desires as punishment or expectation without “negotiating power,” violence ensues.
A simple method to determine if you’re experiencing violence (adapted from psychologist Li Songwei, “You Are Free”):
Keep asking yourself, “Am I comfortable in this relationship?”
If you set aside external influences and inducements, a voice inside you might say:
I don’t feel comfortable. I just feel uncomfortable.
Even if you have reasons to persuade me that a sub should serve a Dom, I still feel uncomfortable.
Even if you’re famous, a respected Dom, I still feel uncomfortable.
Even if I’m wrong, and you’re right, you criticize or comfort me, I still feel uncomfortable.
If you feel uncomfortable, be cautious. Somewhere in the dynamic, there’s hidden violence.
Someone might say, “In relationships, sometimes I feel good, and sometimes I don’t. What should I do?”
I’ve seen an S/M pair where the male sub wanted to leave, but the female Dom would threaten, apologize, or cry to keep him from leaving. This cycle continued, with the Dom imposing negative energy and blame until the next cycle.
People can be independent. If I feel uncomfortable, I have the right to leave. No one truly controls me, even if I call them “Master” and it seems like they’re in charge.
These discomforts may be habitual, but if I want to stop, I can stop. If I want to leave, I can leave immediately.
Leaving might be more uncomfortable than the violence. You might face immense sadness, retaliation, and blame.
Your partner might say, “You’re not a good sub,” or “You’ll never find anyone better.” These thoughts can lead to depression, tears, and doubt, lingering in your mind.
But the important thing is, you can always leave.
Lastly, remember that violence can exist in any intimate relationship, not just BDSM. If everyone practices “valid” informed consent, BDSM can also be a healthy expression of intimacy.
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