As a newbie, how can I learn about play, meet like-minded people, and exchange experiences?
Besides that, you might try your luck on dating apps. However, the quality of users on these platforms varies greatly, and harassment or scams can be a problem. So, is there a reliable community organization out there?
In the 1990s, a group of people in San Francisco faced the same problem of not being able to find like-minded individuals.
They had it even worse; back then, dating apps hadn’t been invented yet, and meeting someone with similar interests in real life was almost impossible (asking “Sir/Madam, can you spank me?” is too embarrassing).
This was a huge gap! Golf has clubs, badminton has associations, so why can’t SP enthusiasts have their own organization?!
The highest form of socializing sometimes uses the most primitive methods.
Through offline gatherings, chatting over food and drinks, and introducing newbies to the play, this practice became popular in the North American BDSM community and evolved into a cultural norm known as a “Munch.”
If you happen to be in North America, you should experience this rare opportunity!
The History of Munch
As previously mentioned, San Francisco and the Bay Area on the West Coast of North America are the origins of many significant BDSM cultures (before the 2000s, when real estate prices and techies took over).
In the 90s, the predecessors of the BDSM community there were the most carefree, bold, rebellious, and internet-savvy people in the world!
At that time, there were two organizations communicating through the ancient method of email groups.
These organizations chose Kirk’s Steakburgers as their gathering spot because it had a private patio, and most importantly, the burgers were delicious!
This place is still around; if you’re in California, check it out!
Remember, “delicious burgers” is a key point, as early on, these meetups were called “burger Munch.” Later, the “burger” part was dropped, and it just became “Munch,” but the tradition of eating and drinking remained!
Now, Munch meetups are usually held in bars or restaurants with good food. Apparently, “bondage enthusiasts” worldwide are alike, as this avoids the awkwardness of a sub asking, “Master, have you eaten?”
The purpose of a Munch is to allow you to interact with BDSM enthusiasts in the most casual way possible. The gathering resembles a class reunion, where you chat and eat without the need for any equipment or specific attire. Only those involved know what delightful topics they are discussing—very subtle and cheeky.
Miss Vicki, one of the original organizers, still hosts Munch meetups in San Francisco. You might visit her if you have the chance!
How to Participate in a Munch?
How is a Munch different from other community gatherings?
The culture of a Munch has specific rules and nuances. Here are a few key points:
- Pure, not explicit
Munch meetups don’t involve performances, showing off, or teasing. Participants purely rely on verbal communication. These events are held in public places like cafes or bars, so it’s essential to follow the etiquette of these venues, such as not wearing overly revealing clothes, no physical contact, and no actual play. This adds a layer of safety for participants, who can leave anytime if they feel uncomfortable. - Friendship first, pairing second
Munch meetups aren’t speed dating or matchmaking events. Approaching it with a mindset of finding a partner using pickup lines will likely earn you disapproving looks. Participants interact as equals, and while you may not leave with a romantic connection, you’ll likely gain valuable tips and insights. - Newbie-friendly
Munch meetups focus on verbal communication, making them a treasure trove of knowledge for attentive listeners, even those who are entirely new to the scene. These events might include guest speakers or group discussions, making them similar to academic forums but with a focus on BDSM topics.
Real Experience at a Munch!
From what I know, the Munch culture is most prevalent in North America. If you’re fluent in English, you’re in luck!
Munch meetup announcements are usually public online, so you’ll need to carefully verify the reliability of the organizers. One of our readers, Amo, a female Dominant studying in Toronto, shared her experiences with the local BDSM scene, with Munch meetups being the most approachable:
The BDSM community in Toronto is relatively mature and reliable, largely thanks to Munch meetups.
Munches are essentially social events where participants don’t label themselves as “female subs” or “male Doms.” They’re like casual village gatherings, with conversations spanning a wide range of topics. Asking someone what they like to “play” right off the bat can be off-putting. Each Munch has an organizer to ensure everything runs smoothly and to remove anyone causing trouble.
This setup helped me build true friendships.
As a socially anxious person, I awkwardly stood in a corner at my first Munch until someone noticed my discomfort and invited me to join their table. Conversations ranged far and wide, and everyone was respectful of boundaries, always reminding each other that they didn’t have to answer if they weren’t comfortable.
In this community, I found friends I trust and cherish, as well as two partners who made me feel valued. They are Canadian citizens and older than me.
As a foreign student in Canada without a stable job or a guarantor, I struggled to rent a place. Knowing this, my partners offered to be my guarantors and were listed as my emergency contacts during medical visits. When I was stressed from studies, they would call or visit with food, and when I had the energy, I’d make dumplings for them. I learned a lot from them.
We all know each other’s real names and often hang out outside Munch meetups—shopping, watching movies, going to the gym, or having drinks and playing Uno. Play is kept private and with regular partners.
Of course, I’ve also encountered problematic individuals at Munch meetups, such as those ignoring boundaries or trying to take advantage of intoxicated attendees. The community keeps an eye on such people and warns each other, acting like vigilant neighbors.
When matching with someone online and planning to meet, I usually invite them to a Munch first. It’s a public setting, and my friends and partners are there to observe. If someone insists on meeting privately, it’s usually a red flag.
The community self-regulates. Privacy and consent are absolute, and anyone breaching these will be exposed and ostracized. Vetting systems allow you to inquire about a person’s reputation and behavior from previous play partners, which is crucial for subs assessing potential Doms.
How to Prepare for a Munch?
If you’re lucky enough to attend a Munch, here’s how to prepare:
- Dress appropriately
Wear business casual clothes, not something too revealing or suggestive. Avoid fetish gear or costumes. Subtle accessories are fine, but nothing more. You don’t want to give the impression of attending a more explicit gathering. - Respect boundaries
Don’t take photos, boast, or pry into personal information. Respect everyone’s privacy and don’t flaunt your attributes.
Munch meetups promote responsible socializing through transparency and mutual respect, making them a safe and supportive environment.
Ending
Munch culture thrives on wisdom and mutual respect. It maintains an air of openness and dignity, ensuring the BDSM community adheres to societal norms and ethical standards. The more transparent and disciplined the community, the cleaner and simpler it remains.
If you’re new to the scene and looking for a way to learn and meet like-minded people, a Munch might be the perfect place to start.
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