“Cougar,” a term used to describe women past the conventional marriage age who are still unmarried, often carries a connotation of being “unsold goods” in a society that considers women’s prime years to be before the age of 30.
But now, we are reclaiming this term and redefining “Cougar” and their love/sex lives. Not being married doesn’t mean a life of desolation or a lack of intimacy. It just means their pursuits differ from societal expectations.
Today, we’ve invited two ladies to share their experiences. First, meet Alpha, a 35-year-old working at a major internet company. Alpha has a sweet smile and looks youthful. She describes herself as “the kind of girlfriend traditional men would like,” but she has no interest in marriage. Currently, she’s enjoying casual dating with some stable relationships that don’t follow the conventional romance script.
The second is Paper, also 35. In her photos, she is slender and tall, dressed in an elegant white shirt and pointed shoes, epitomizing a “white-collar elite.” Paper is a middle manager at a multinational corporation, recently divorced, with an 11-year-old daughter. She started dating in the fourth grade and has never had a break in her romantic life.
Let’s see how these urban women, who excel in both their careers and romantic lives, perceive relationships between men and women.
They are hunters, not wasting energy on unnecessary distractions.
Q1: Do you have any age-related anxiety? Do you feel concerned about your age when dating? How do men perceive your age?
Alpha:
I’m very at ease with my age. I believe that you should seek out those who appreciate you for who you are at your current age. The men I meet generally like mature women, so I don’t really have any significant concerns, though there are a few minor issues worth mentioning.
Firstly, on social apps, women my age attract a lot of scammers and men looking for sugar relationships, which is a bit annoying. Secondly, I don’t look like a mature woman, so I sometimes feel like I’m not meeting the expectations of younger men who are into mature women. Lastly, peers often find each other too old. Even men older than me tend to think I’m past my prime, but younger men who like older women are eager.
So, there’s really nothing to worry about. Not many people can remain attractive and single into their mid-thirties, but those who do are quite popular among younger men. Often, it’s the women who can’t accept younger men, not the other way around.
Paper:
Without age-related anxiety, I wouldn’t maintain my current appearance and work status. Anxiety or pressure acts as a positive drive for me.
My age anxiety mainly manifests in my career and self-expectations, not in relationships or dating. Firstly, I’ve never dated someone significantly younger or older. Secondly, everyone has their own charm. If someone chooses to be with me, they must value my strengths. If they preferred younger women, they wouldn’t come to me. I just need to maintain my advantages.
I don’t know how men view my age because I don’t pay attention to their thoughts on this. They all say I look young, but you can’t take men’s words too seriously.
Q2: Compared to when you were 20, has your preference for the opposite sex changed? What did you value then, and what do you value now?
Alpha:
In my 20s, I chose partners based on societal standards, preferring those with a high overall compatibility and no significant flaws.
Now, I’ve built a complete version of myself. Another person can only be an enhancement. So, I focus more on their strengths. Any significant strength they have can benefit me, and I care less about their weaknesses. I don’t need to be tied to anyone.
In my 20s, I was more attracted to strong men. Now, as a stable, strong person myself, I no longer prioritize their social experience, financial strength, or overall compatibility. I focus more on immediate happiness, which naturally shifted my preference from mature men to younger ones.
Paper:
In my early 20s, I admired capable people who could teach me to earn, spend, or interact with others. Now, I seek emotional value, but I don’t keep sycophants or backup partners. Time is too precious to waste on people I’m not interested in.
I enjoy equal conversations, mutual give and take, at least emotionally balanced interactions that bring me simple joy and comfort, including physical attraction and passion.
Q3: How do you usually meet the opposite sex? What was your favorite dating/relationship experience? Any particularly bad ones?
Alpha:
I now meet people through social apps because I lack the commitment to invest in traditional relationships that might lead to serious dating or marriage. This makes me unsuitable to pick dates from familiar circles or work because an independent woman must protect her professional reputation.
Perhaps it’s because experiences in my mid-thirties aren’t as novel, or maybe it’s just too easy to meet people on social apps, but it’s hard to be deeply impressed by anyone or anything specific.
I remember in my 20s, every relationship felt special. Now, most people and experiences blur together, leaving only impressions like “that guy was really handsome.”
That said, this might also be due to my time in Europe in my 20s, where the environment nurtured romantic love. In contrast, the domestic atmosphere is more utilitarian, leaving less space for romance.
I haven’t had particularly bad experiences, but two things can be unpleasant: misleading photos (catfishing), where there’s a huge difference between photos and reality (though if the person is decent, it’s tolerable to chat and treat it as a human sample collection), and people who assume my actions mean consent for sex, ignoring refusals until they finally get the message, which is quite annoying.
Paper:
In the past three years, I’ve been too busy to expand my social circle, but when I meet someone I like, I take the initiative—striking up conversations, asking for WeChat, and arranging meetups.
Unlike many dominant women, I’m shameless when pursuing someone I like. Friends say my proactive approach makes the other person feel like they’re being set up.
I’ve met good people, and I’ve never ended a relationship badly. A notable experience was a two-and-a-half-year relationship where, for one year, we had almost no sex, but our relationship remained strong.
He was extremely smart and sincere, with a heart as clear as crystal. We went through many challenges together. At some moments, I even considered marriage for his sake, but ultimately, I couldn’t make such a commitment for anyone. That period was precious for both of us.
Q4: Compared to before, do you enjoy sex more now? Do you usually take the lead in sex, or are you more often guided?
Alpha:
Rather than saying I enjoy sex more, I’d say I enjoy the essence of sex more. In my 20s, I had great relationships. Even if I was inexperienced, as long as my partner was good, the sex was guaranteed to be satisfactory.
Now, I don’t need so many prerequisites for a good sexual experience. I can ensure my own pleasure. Before, if I didn’t find someone I liked, I’d think toys were more fun than people and not bother with others.
Now, I find people more fun than toys (they can be combined). I don’t leave my pleasure entirely up to my partner. I can ensure my own happiness without falling in love with my partner.
I usually take the lead now. Though “leading” isn’t entirely accurate, as it implies directing my partner. Actually, I am the initiator and the main participant, seeking my own pleasure. I only select partners based on attraction, not experience or skill. Whether they are good or not, I can ensure my own experience, which I couldn’t do before.
Paper:
Yes, I enjoy and need it more, but my standards are also higher. I won’t force myself into uncomfortable or unpleasant intimate situations. I immediately stop if anything feels wrong.
My body responds completely differently with someone I like versus someone I don’t. I need a strong desire for the person for my body to open up.
I don’t mind leading or being led, as long as the person is right. I won’t set limits. I used to be a domme, and a quite popular one, but I never thought, “I am a domme, so I must do things a certain way.” I don’t need the domme role to bolster my status.
In intimate relationships, I value the mutual investment and interaction most. It’s easy to tell if a man is genuinely obsessed with your body.
Q5: How has your approach to and handling of sex/love relationships changed since your 20s?
Alpha:
In my 20s, sex came from love, and I didn’t think sex significantly influenced love. Now, sex can lead to love; it helps build love. For example, my current relationship would have never started in my 20s. He’s a gorgeous but somewhat empty guy. If we followed the conventional dating and talking route, it would have failed quickly due to boredom.
Now, I look at strengths. I don’t need him to chat well. If he looks good and is clean, we can cuddle and sleep together. We found we were extremely compatible and couldn’t get enough of each other. After six months, we’re still not tired of each other and have gotten even more in sync.
A cougar can’t afford to waste energy on superficial things like mental games. We all have draining jobs and close friends for deep communication. In relationships, starting with the mind is slow and cumbersome. Approaching love and intimacy through sex is more efficient in conveying closeness and affection.
Paper:
The biggest change is that I no longer restrict my partners. It’s increasingly difficult to meet someone I like, so I’m more tolerant of those I do meet. As long as I feel enough emotional intensity during our time together, I don’t care about other details, nor do I want to complicate the relationship.
A person who truly loves cabbage will choose it even after tasting a full banquet. But I won’t date married men or those with serious girlfriends. Women shouldn’t make things difficult for other women.
Also, compared to my 20s, I now find it too easy to see through men’s lies, little tricks, and attempts to show off. I need to use my emotional intelligence and upbringing to restrain myself from exposing them.
I’ve been dating since the fourth grade and have seen all sorts of tactics. My current job and salary are not undeserved; the workplace at a senior level is full of all kinds of characters. But I won’t act in intimate relationships. Life is hard enough. I need very little and hope my partner can be genuinely sincere.
People say the future belongs to cougars, perhaps because Chinese women are finally being liberated from the expectation of finding a suitable partner by 25 and getting married by 30. This freedom allows us to explore a wider world, realize ourselves, and achieve our potential.
In the end, we might still find that we need sex, love, and men. By then, pursuing them will feel more relaxed.
Until then, and even afterward, we need to stay honest with ourselves—cut out what we don’t want and chase what we do. Life gets better this way, and love and sex become delightful embellishments.
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