“Rescuing the ‘Play and Sleep’ S/Dom: An Aftercare Guide”

The first time I heard the term “aftercare” was when I had a girlfriend who shared an article with me. Along with the article, she bought a bottle of essential oil recommended at the end, hoping I would use it to give her a massage after our intimate moments.

At that time, I was the type of guy who would collapse and sleep right after sex. Needless to say, that article had a huge impact on me. I was always exhausted and couldn’t understand why anyone would have the energy to do so much after sex.

I indignantly refused my girlfriend’s suggestion and told her that constantly buying things was a symptom of modern consumerism. I said she had fallen into a consumerist trap and suggested she wash her face and calm down, while I went to sleep.

As you can imagine, this is partly why I’m still single. Thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes. Today, let’s talk about a term many S/Doms haven’t fully appreciated yet: “Aftercare.”

Why Aftercare is Important

To discuss aftercare, we first need to mention another concept: “Drop.” We all know that during arousal, the brain releases two hormones, endorphins and dopamine, which are the sources of happiness, satisfaction, and a sense of achievement.

However, some psychotherapists have found that certain individuals experience a sudden drop in these hormone levels after a stimulating and emotionally intense event. In BDSM, this is called “Drop,” and medically, it is referred to as “Endorphin Crash.” Clinical symptoms often include inexplicable sadness, a sense of loss, and a tendency to cry or feel sentimental. A doctor named Fous discovered that “Drop” occurs not only in subs but also in Doms.

Don’t worry. Although “Drop” sounds scary, it is essentially the same as “Postcoital Dysphoria” after sex, caused by a short-term drop in hormone levels. A 2015 American study found that 46% of women have experienced post-sex “irritability,” “anxiety,” or “tearfulness” at least once in their lives, with 5% experiencing it more than once.

In theory, you don’t need to do anything about these symptoms; they’ll disappear once hormone levels return to normal, which can take anywhere from a few hours to a few days. However, if your partner feels sad for several days after being intimate, even if it’s harmless, it might seem a bit harsh, right? We can do better. So, let’s introduce the key to alleviating “Drop” emotions: “Aftercare.”

Common Mistakes

The ultimate goal of aftercare is to effectively alleviate drop emotions and ensure everyone leaves the scene with a positive mindset. However, possibly due to a lack of awareness, I’ve found that many people’s post-scene actions exacerbate their partner’s drop emotions. Here are some common mistakes from submissions I’ve received:

1. Leaving immediately after without saying goodbye, like, “Oh crap, it’s eight o’clock? I have a meeting. Gotta go!”
2. Showing awkwardness or coldness when communicating, like, “I’m exhausted, I’m going to sleep.”
3. Being condescending or disdainful during conversations, like, “My previous partner was so much better than you. You need to learn from them.”
4. Refusing to discuss your recent actions, like, “Oh, you get it, no need to keep bringing it up. Aren’t you embarrassed?”
5. Making excuses to do unrelated things, like, “Someone’s inviting me to game. You’ve had your fun; I’ll go play for a bit.”

Don’t think aftercare is something complicated. It often boils down to whether you’re willing to do it, not whether you know how. Communication is the simplest form of aftercare.

You can tell your partner that you enjoyed the experience and highlight specific moments that impressed you (if you genuinely feel that way). Humans need to feel valued, and reminding your partner that their actions were meaningful can prevent them from feeling lost.

Similarly, after trying something new, you can show care through simple questions. “Are you hurt?” “Do you want to try that again?” “What did you like the most?” “What didn’t you like?” Simple communication can leave a lasting impression.

If you’ve mastered these basics, here are some more detailed suggestions that might be super helpful.

SubDrop and Aftercare

SubDrop refers to the drop emotions experienced by the submissive. Generally, female submissives are more prone to experiencing drop emotions. The first step in aftercare for this situation is to move your partner to a warm, comfortable, and loving environment to help stabilize endorphin levels.

In BDSM, the scenes created are often fictional, so gentle hugs and soothing praise can help bring your partner back to reality.

For a sub experiencing drop, here are some steps you can take:

• Hug or touch them (it doesn’t matter where, as long as it feels comforting)
• Praise them: “You did great” or “You’re an amazing sub”
• Kiss their marks or bruises
• Prepare an energy drink for them
• Draw a warm bath and, if possible, join them
• Wrap yourselves in a warm, fluffy blanket together

Here are some tools you might use during aftercare:

Even with aftercare, remember not to act unilaterally. Always ensure you understand their needs. Do they want comfort, a drink, a hug, or perhaps just some space? If you’re unsure, just ask.

DomDrop and Aftercare

Contrary to common belief, aftercare isn’t always about the Dom taking care of the sub. Doms/Switches can experience drop too.

DomDrop often stems from guilt, insecurity, or concern about their actions. This usually means the Dom cares deeply about their partner’s feelings. Like SubDrop, these emotions are also tied to falling endorphin levels. If you’re an experienced sub, you can use the “safe word” to temporarily step out of the scene and reassure your Dom about their actions and whether to continue.

For a Dom experiencing drop, here are some actions you can take:

• Send them cute selfies
• Touch their back or hair (if they’re comfortable with it)
• Give them a drink and a hug
• Let them know you’re there for them

You can say things like:

• I’m okay.
• I love you. Thank you.
• It’s alright, I’m not hurt.
• You’re wonderful/I enjoyed it/You did great.
• Do you want to take a shower and collect yourself?
• Take your time, it’s okay.
• Do you need a hug?
• I appreciate the scene you created!

Usually, aftercare is initiated by the Dom, but if your Dom is new or inexperienced, you can take the initiative. If they have no specific taboos, you can wrap your arms or legs around them like a sloth, tell them you enjoyed it, and express any anxieties caused by their lack of expression. This can help them understand the importance of aftercare.

Misconceptions

1. Aftercare is always brief. Actually, it can last as long as needed until both parties no longer feel drop emotions.
2. Aftercare is always the Dom/S taking care of the sub/m. Not necessarily. Dom/S can need care too, and Aftercare doesn’t have to be initiated by the dominant party.
3. Aftercare must involve hugging or kissing. The essence of aftercare is being there, not leaving, and getting through the drop together. The form it takes can vary widely. Some unconventional aftercare methods include going out for ice cream, studying for exams together, or even isolating oneself with music.

Self-Care

Finally, if your partner is truly clueless and leaves you alone, and you find yourself deep in drop, there’s no choice but self-care.

When you’re deep in drop, try these methods:

• Put a favorite song on repeat
• Talk to a friend or pet
• Fold clothes (surprisingly effective and addictive)
• Write or draw
• Play with childhood toys like Lego or building blocks (very stress-relieving)
• Have a good cry (very effective, but tiring)
• Most importantly, forgive yourself (if not today, try again tomorrow)

Whether you’re into vanilla sex or hardcore play, ending the act doesn’t mean the experience is over. For optimal physical and emotional well-being, aftercare is an essential part of the process. No matter how humble or insignificant your partner’s role in your scenes, never leave them to cry in a corner afterward.

• The End –