What to Expect and Avoid on a First Meetup with a Fellow Enthusiast

Avoid Starting Play on the First Meetup

User: Tu Fei Xia, Female, Sub

From my experience, no matter how well you connect online, it’s best not to dive into play immediately during your first in-person meeting.

For instance, my first meetup with an S was in a hotel. Despite exchanging photos on WeChat, I found that he was quite different from what I had imagined. I wanted to back out but felt too embarrassed. The experience wasn’t as enjoyable as our online interactions, emphasizing the phrase “pride goes before a fall.”

I’ve also heard of scarier experiences from others, such as agreed-upon safe words being ignored or photos being taken secretly and posted online.

In conclusion, online conversations don’t fully reveal a person’s character. Here’s my recommended process:

1. First meetup: coffee and a movie.

2. Coffee allows for conversation, where I, with my forensic science background, can observe their expressions and body language to detect dishonesty or personality flaws. I also ask provocative questions to see how they react under stress, ensuring they are mentally stable.

3. Watching a movie gives them a seemingly private setting to observe how they behave. For example, I watch where they buy tickets—do they prefer sitting in the middle, the back row, away from others, or next to strangers? During the movie, I note if they invade personal space.

4. Though the first meetup might seem casual, it’s actually a screening process. Even when eager to meet and play, controlling this urge and conducting a thorough “interview” ensures safety and compatibility.

Don’t Meet in the S’s City First

User: Mu Mu, Female, Sub

My experience might be unique but worth sharing. Meeting in the S’s city can make an M feel isolated and dependent on the S, possibly leading to agreeing to things they normally wouldn’t.

Once, a distant S ghosted me after our meetup. As a broke student, I traveled far to meet him, and after he deemed me unsuitable, he blocked me. Alone, scared, with no money for a hotel and my return ticket for the next day, I begged him to let me stay the night.

Looking back, I can’t believe I begged someone so disrespectful. Being in a strange city intensified my dependence on him. If I were in my hometown, I would have ignored him and gone home.

Therefore, I suggest meeting in a familiar place to avoid the judgment-clouding isolation of an unfamiliar city.

Avoid Being Overly Aggressive in Conversation

User: Feng Ge, Female, M

I had dinner with a self-proclaimed 10-year-experienced S today. He interrupted me constantly, correcting everything I said to show off his knowledge.

Even when discussing lingerie, he dismissed my preferences, insisting that women look best in ropes. His overbearing attitude throughout the meal made me decide never to meet him again, regardless of his technical skills.

User: HC, Male, Dom

I once spent an entire afternoon listening to an M complain about her previous Dom. She criticized his abilities, financial situation, and lack of empathy.

While consoling her, I realized she wasn’t over her ex, tended to complain, and might say the same about me if things ended. This made me decide not to pursue further meetings. It’s better to avoid discussing ex-partners negatively during first meetings.

Discuss Safety, Boundaries, and Consent Standards

User: Xiao Zhang, Female, Sub

Here’s my meeting process:

1. Choose a nice tea or restaurant.

2. Ask the Dom to show their tools. A well-organized kit with clean, disinfected items in separate bags indicates a careful and serious attitude, while a jumbled kit raises concerns.

3. Discuss boundaries, safe words, and limits face-to-face to ensure mutual understanding and seriousness.

4. Repeat each other’s preferences and limits to ensure they are taken seriously and remembered.

Reading these experiences shows that rushing into play on the first meeting rarely leads to lasting connections. Like preparing a gourmet meal, careful planning and mutual understanding are crucial.

Hopefully, these tips help. Feel free to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments!