Hey everyone, it’s your favorite storyteller here!
I received a heartfelt question from a reader, so let’s dive right in:
Hi there, sorry to bother you. I have some questions and I don’t really know who to ask.
I’m a male sub living in a second-tier provincial capital in the southwest, a “cultural desert” for sexual minorities, so finding like-minded people is tough, and finding a suitable, reliable Dom is even tougher.
Earlier this year, I randomly met a male Dom who also lives in the same city. Due to his work, he’s usually super busy, so we’ve been in intermittent contact for a while. In mid-June, we had our first session, but since it was a first for both of us, I was very nervous, and he was afraid of going overboard, so he was quite restrained throughout.
After that, I went to a hospital, got an appointment with a psychiatrist, and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety (partly due to the pressure of grad school). I started medication afterward.
Initially, the side effects were severe, and I felt terrible, so I hid away and didn’t contact him…
It’s been about two months on the meds now, and I’ve started to get used to the side effects. I want to reach out to him again because I feel that BDSM can help me find some relief and distraction. However, due to the side effects, I currently can’t feel any emotions, and my sexual function is impaired. I’m worried that if I approach him in this state, I’ll ruin his mood and waste his time, but I also don’t know how to explain it to him.
After all, I think it’s not easy to meet someone like him. He’s really nice and considerate. After our first session, I was exhausted, and he kindly took me for BBQ, worried I’d get hungry on my way home…
To this reader who’s currently shrouded in an emotional cloud, hello~
I’ve gone through my own dark times with mental health issues, and I’ve also encountered others in the kink community with similar struggles. Establishing intimate relationships isn’t easy when dealing with depression, whether you’re the one suffering or you’re supporting a partner who is. BDSM relationships, compared to vanilla ones, involve more power exchange and require higher standards of communication, boundaries, and feedback, presenting additional challenges.
I’ve asked many friends in the mental health field questions like “What should people with depression be mindful of in a BDSM relationship?” and “How to care for a partner with depression?” The answers are usually cautious and general.
Professional psychological counseling needs to be tailored to each individual’s situation—every person with depression has different causes, levels, and life experiences, and every BDSM practitioner has unique kinks, preferences, and needs. There’s no one-size-fits-all guideline for everyone.
So, this article is also open-ended. Based on my personal experiences and feelings, I’ll share some potential issues for those considering or already in a BDSM relationship while dealing with depression. Modern isolation can contribute to psychological problems, but a healthy relationship with a supportive, reliable partner can often improve things.
The reader is a sub, so I’ll mainly address this from the perspective of a sub with depression. Others are welcome to share their perspectives in the comments~
First, it’s crucial to understand that while BDSM can be an outlet for emotions, it can also exacerbate emotional burdens. Some activities involve intense emotions and high levels of stimulation. Even people without emotional issues can experience negative feelings if not handled properly. For someone with depression, this can lead to deeper emotional turmoil, much like having diabetes and consuming excessive sugar, salt, and spice.
Subs shouldn’t passively adapt to the Dom’s pace; they need to understand their own emotional capacity. What helps their emotional state? Do both partners share the same understanding and desires for the BDSM relationship?
A friend of mine, let’s call her K, had both depression and anxiety. She also had fears of loud noises, crowded places, and confined spaces.
Her previous partner liked to assert dominance aggressively, using a harsh tone for dirty talk, towering over her with his large build, causing physical pain and breathlessness. He’d often make sudden, forceful movements during bondage, making her lose balance and fall. These sudden pressures would trigger panic attacks, leaving her trembling and crying, which he mistook for intense pleasure.
Later, she met a new partner who enjoyed DDLG and pet play. He had a gentle, calming voice and an average build.
Through him, K realized she enjoyed intimate skin contact and retreating into roles like a child or a pet. This allowed her to temporarily escape the pain and uncertainty of the real world, finding simple joy in repetitive mechanical actions. It was like being a child again, nestled in her mother’s arms, holding a stuffed animal while being held herself…
It’s also important to note that depression can significantly affect a sub’s ability to provide feedback.
When a sub’s depression flares up, they may become more withdrawn, avoid giving feedback, or be too emotionally numb to express their true feelings clearly and promptly.
This can affect the safety of play, requiring the Dom to closely monitor the sub’s state and stop the session if there’s any discomfort, followed by proper aftercare to soothe their emotions.
On the other hand, feedback is crucial for mutual enjoyment. Many Doms derive satisfaction from their actions’ responses, and many subs find pleasure in knowing their feedback is appreciated.
The reader is concerned that medication side effects might dull their senses and feedback, affecting the Dom’s experience.
I can empathize with this worry. However, a nourishing relationship involves more than just sex; it includes companionship, acceptance, and facing life’s realities together.
During my worst depression, I experienced constant insomnia, unexplained pain, a choking heartbeat, nausea, and severe anxiety. My memory and reactions became sluggish. It was more than just emotional pain; it was a combination of multiple physical pains, making it impossible to ease through emotional regulation, hovering on the brink of collapse.
I was in a state of extreme low energy, struggling to maintain basic life functions, unable to care for myself. During this time, I met my ex, who proactively reached out to me, respecting my space without adding pressure. But I was too overwhelmed to engage, thinking, “I shouldn’t drag anyone else down with me.”
Despite my aloofness and emotional numbness, he didn’t back off. Knowing I had disrupted sleep and eating habits, he brought carefully prepared meals, invited me to his place to eat, and made sure everything was nutritionally balanced. Before meeting me, he supposedly lived on takeout.
It was winter, and the water was freezing. He did all the cooking, cleaning, and even played light-hearted games with me, which lifted my spirits.
During my worst moments, I had no sexual desire at all, and he never pressured me. As a switch with a sensitive body, he encouraged me to explore being a Dom, which boosted my confidence as I saw him genuinely enjoy our sessions.
I could cry uncontrollably in front of him, and he would rush to hold me, providing silent support without judging my “abnormal” behavior.
I can’t imagine how I would’ve survived that hellish period without him. Although we eventually broke up due to different future plans, I always remember the ease and joy he brought me during my darkest times.
So, to the reader, over time, you might forget the intense emotional highs and lows of play, but you’ll always remember the night someone took you out for BBQ when you were exhausted.
It’s more important to consider the mutual affection, whether you feel drawn to him, and whether he can responsibly fulfill his role as a Dom.
Being in a relationship with someone with mental health issues requires the Dom to take on extra responsibility for safety. Apart from paying close attention to feedback, there might be times when a sub, experiencing a sense of release and reduced self-control, clings to BDSM as a lifeline, blurring boundaries and agreements, even developing self-destructive tendencies, seeking more intense and risky play.
An irresponsible Dom might exploit this for personal gain, pushing the sub’s limits recklessly. Only a truly caring Dom would remain rational and help maintain safe boundaries.
Evaluate carefully: if unexpected situations arise, is he willing and capable of ensuring your safety and well-being?
If your mental health issues lead to conflict or avoidance, will he see it as a challenge to his authority, or will he be sensitive to your emotions, providing understanding and acceptance?
Communicate openly and trust your instincts to find your own answers.
PS: Most Doms aren’t professional psychologists, and BDSM has inherent risks. Professional advice is always recommended. Doctors usually diagnose and prescribe but don’t provide counseling.
If possible, find a professional long-term counselor. They are bound by confidentiality agreements, allowing for open discussion, which ensures safer BDSM experiences.
Beware of self-proclaimed psychologists in the community offering “counseling” to take advantage of vulnerable subs. Choose licensed, experienced counselors with 500-1000 hours of practice.
PSS: Regarding the medication side effects—many psychotropic drugs can cause sexual dysfunction. The principle is that medication stabilizes emotions at zero, preventing extreme highs and lows, but also reducing sexual desire.
However, some treatments can boost libido. If sexual experiences are important and side effects are significant, consult your psychiatrist about possible alternatives. Always follow medical advice.
Leave a Reply