Last week, I received a message saying:
I’m a girl and very much a bisexual, but I feel my preferences are becoming increasingly strange.
When I see a girl who catches my eye, I always fantasize about what it would be like if we had sex. I imagine if she would play the way I like or explore some unusual plays with me… Such fantasies, but I rarely imagine us being in a romantic relationship.
However, when I see a guy who I find attractive, I only think about what it would be like to date him. I imagine us hugging, holding hands, kissing, taking walks, and doing all the things couples in love do…
But no matter what, I can’t imagine having sex with a guy. I even skip the scenes where girls perform oral on guys when watching some videos, and I can’t accept scenes with strap-ons in lesbian videos either.
My two orientations are completely opposite: one is purely “desire,” and the other is purely “love.” Sometimes I feel really troubled by this.
I shared this message with a small group, and many people resonated with it, feeling like it was describing their own experiences. Several girls even mentioned that they were in similar situations, but with genders reversed—they only considered sex with men but wanted romantic relationships with women. What is going on here?
01
Perhaps many people don’t know that a person’s romantic orientation and sexual orientation can be inconsistent.
Previously, in an article about asexuality, we discussed the terms “romantic orientation” and “sexual orientation.”
In the past, when people talked about intimate relationships and attraction to others, they mainly used the term “sexual orientation.” However, this way of describing it is increasingly seen as incomplete, as it focuses too much on sexual attraction in intimate relationships.
For some people, sexual attraction might not be the most important factor. Instead, it’s about establishing emotional bonds, which include elements like deep resonance, admiration, tenderness, dependency, and companionship.
Therefore, aside from “sexual orientation,” there’s also “romantic orientation,” as two parallel concepts. “Sexual orientation” refers to the gender one is sexually aroused by/sexually attracted to/has sexual desire for, while “romantic orientation” refers to the gender one is romantically attracted to/establishes romantic relationships with, also called “emotional orientation.”
In psychology, there’s a niche concept called the split attraction model, which has limited online discussion. It separates a person’s romantic attraction and sexual attraction, treating them as two different independent mechanisms.
This concept was first mentioned by German writer Karl Heinrich Ulrichs in 1879. He described two types of bisexuality in his work: conjunctive bisexuality and disjunctive bisexuality.
The former involves both romantic and sexual attraction to both men and women (capable of both love and sex with both genders), while the latter involves sexual attraction to one gender and romantic attraction to another (capable of love with one gender and sex with another).
Being bisexual doesn’t mean having equal attraction to both genders. Some people might feel attracted to both same-sex and opposite-sex individuals simultaneously, while others might feel attracted to the same sex at one stage and to the opposite sex at another stage…
The forms and degrees of attraction that bisexual individuals experience also vary. For instance, someone might only feel sexual attraction to the opposite sex but only romantic attraction to the same sex, or they might feel both sexual and romantic attraction to the opposite sex but only romantic attraction to the same sex, etc.
Even without discussing those detailed theories and labels, based on our life experiences, do we sometimes feel that sexual attraction and romantic attraction indeed bring different feelings?
Ideally, sex is intimate, comfortable, and pleasurable. But in reality, sex often includes not just tranquility but also anxiety, loss of control, push and pull, desire, taboo, hormones, aggressiveness, possessiveness… all sorts of intense emotional conflicts.
On the other hand, establishing romantic emotional bonds requires shared interests, hobbies, resonating beliefs, a sense of dependency, security, relaxation, and other factors that dissolve conflicts.
My understanding is that if sexual attraction is like dopamine, making people feel excited and thrilled, then romantic attraction might be like oxytocin, making people feel calm, stable, comfortable, and deeply satisfied. If the keyword for sexual attraction is “passion,” then the keyword for romantic attraction is “tenderness.”
02
The inconsistency between sexual orientation and romantic orientation often arises because a person has incompatible expectations and needs for emotions and sex, which coincidentally correspond to different genders. In a way, it also reflects that more people have a clearer and more specific understanding of their own needs.
The reasons behind this psychological formation are unclear but usually relate to past social experiences and different feelings and impressions towards different genders.
A netizen, CC, shared her experience with me, similar to the message at the beginning. She feels primarily sexually attracted to women while only fantasizing about forming intimate relationships with men.
CC talked about her situation: “I’m not sure if I count as bisexual. I’ve always felt that the female body is more sexually attractive, delicate, soft, and dynamic, with an artistic curvature. I seem to be more sensitive to female hormones, feeling the desire to kiss, have skin-to-skin contact with, and smell the delicate, clean fragrance on the neck of beautiful girls…”
“But for men, I only think about maintaining non-sexual emotional relationships with them. Moreover, my ideal male role in intimate relationships is like a father/mentor/protector/rescuer, maintaining a proper distance while spiritually resonating with me.”
“In my fantasies, the male plays the role of a dom, guiding and disciplining me, satisfying my need for worship and approval. We can hug, talk about ideals, and support each other, but I can’t imagine any sexual interactions (like kissing or more intimate acts) with him. Just thinking about crossing that line feels incredibly weird.”
“Reflecting on the men who influenced me in the past, they were extremes. In primary and middle school, some boys bullied me, and I was too timid to fight back. On the other hand, some boys made me feel very reliable and safe, helping me a lot, like the top student who often helped me with homework in high school and the class monitor in university.”
“I never had an early romance or chased stars. When I see pictures of handsome male celebrities, I just think, ‘Hmm, great physique…’ but don’t feel any sexual fantasies. I only have sexual fantasies about people I interact with and feel close to in real life.”
“In my life experiences, I’ve had close contacts with girls. I could share a dorm room, hold hands, hug, go to the bathhouse, share a bed to watch shows, exchange delicate emotions, and let down my guard, loneliness, and vulnerability…”
“I have to say, most girls grow up like this, but their sexual orientation is still towards men. I don’t know why I’m so special.”
Another netizen, Lya, has the opposite situation: her romantic orientation is towards women, and her sexual orientation is towards men.
She said, “In long-term stable romantic relationships, I particularly value spiritual resonance and harmony. In reality, the people I find easier to empathize with are women (or gay friends), who are more delicate in thought and less aggressive.”
“When I’m fond of a girl, I want to kiss, hug, and act cute with her, even feeling a desire for exclusive promises and affection. It feels no different from being in love.”
“But to go further and have sex with a girl feels inherently wrong. Physiologically, I might be deeply straight.”
“I grew up in an environment with sexual repression, feeling subconscious shame about my body and sexual organs. I’m resistant to seeing and intimately interacting with someone with similar sexual organs.”
“I’ve considered being lifelong companions with a single girlfriend, achieving a light and intimate relationship. Intimate relationships should be diverse, not just those that include sex.”
03
The split attraction model also has its controversies. One argument against it is that broadly categorizing attraction can create new confusions in reality.
In some cases, like asexuality, “lack of sexual attraction” is easy to identify, so separating romantic attraction for individual discussion is feasible.
But for more common situations, it’s often hard to distinguish clear boundaries between various attractions, like a complex and integrated collection of feelings. Each person’s perception and definition of attraction differ.
Falling for someone is often inexplicable, existing in the “gray area” of blurred boundaries. The brain processes various stimuli comprehensively, and individual responses can vary greatly. It’s like the saying, “the more clearly you analyze it, the less likely you are to find love.”
Finally, I want to emphasize that the theme of this issue is to help everyone further explore their deep needs for emotions and sex and resolve some doubts.
I hope it won’t be misused in reality as an excuse for being unfaithful in an intimate relationship.
Leave a Reply