In the BDSM community, there is a group of people who don’t enjoy the mainstream acceptance that rope enthusiasts might have through the aesthetic and artistic aspects of their play. Nor can they, like female S or M practitioners, express their desires under the banner of “female liberation.” These individuals are often misunderstood and scorned to such an extent that they subconsciously isolate themselves, creating their own mental prisons and rarely communicating with others.
These individuals are male submissives who enjoy feminization.
They enjoy wearing women’s bras and panties, mimicking female behavior, and then being mistreated and humiliated. They are seen as the most abnormal of the abnormal because they completely defy societal expectations of masculinity. They are neither masculine nor tough. Instead, they enjoy being forced to obey their owner’s commands in a feminized manner (where the owner can be either male or female).
While the combination of a female submissive and a male dominant might still gain some acceptance due to fitting traditional cultural notions of male dominance and female submission, feminized male submissives face public outrage and scorn whenever they are exposed. Even within the BDSM community, they are often at the bottom of the social hierarchy.
Simone de Beauvoir once said, “One is not born, but rather becomes, a woman,” thereby distinguishing between biological sex and social gender. This statement applies to men as well. For example, when thinking about men, certain adjectives like “masculine,” “strong,” and “the pillar of the family” may come to mind.
But why must men be bound to these terms? If we could step back to a time before gender roles were socially constructed, perhaps we could more objectively describe and understand this niche tendency in BDSM—Sissy Maids.
What is a Sissy Maid?
“Sissy Maid” is a borrowed term. “Sissy” is often used in a derogatory context to demean someone as effeminate. “Maid” means a female servant. So, together, the term implies a “feminized maid.”
Calling a man a “feminized maid” carries a clear connotation of humiliation. This humiliation is the source of the Sissy Maid’s pleasure. Similar to “Dirty Talk” and other kinks, the shame and humiliation they experience is transformed into pleasure. Thus, the play involving Sissy Maids is also known as “forced feminization.”
Of course, this “forcing” isn’t literal but consensual, as the Sissy Maid agrees to and enjoys the process of being “forced” and humiliated.
So, the questions arise:
1. Why do some men enjoy forced feminization?
2. Why is it humiliating for men to mimic women, thus creating a sense of shame?
3. Why is there no “forced masculinization” for women?
Different Types of Cross-Dressing
To explore these questions, we need to clarify some concepts. For instance, men who enjoy wearing women’s clothing, often referred to as “cross-dressers” (CD), can be divided into Sissy Maids, cross-dressers (CD), and transsexuals (TS). Not distinguishing these terms can easily lead to confusion.
When we mention cross-dressers, we might think of performers like Li Yugang or current popular figures known as “女装大佬” (men dressed as women). It’s important to note that “cross-dresser” has a specific connotation related to sexual arousal.
According to Wikipedia, a long time ago, cross-dressing was considered a mental illness, known as “transvestism.” After it was removed from the category of mental illness, the term “transvestite” was deemed derogatory, so “cross-dresser” became the preferred term, first appearing in the 1911 Oxford Dictionary.
Cross-dressing is defined as the practice of wearing clothes typically associated with the opposite sex, which can lead to sexual arousal and satisfaction. For example, some men say they have a fetish for stockings. If this extends to them wearing stockings and experiencing sexual arousal, it leans towards CD.
Thus, when we talk about “cross-dressers” in the context of BDSM, we often refer to this specific aspect of sexual arousal. In this article, that’s the meaning we’ll use.
CD involves two key elements: a love for clothes of the opposite sex and the resulting sexual arousal. Are Sissy Maids cross-dressers? They seem similar since both enjoy wearing clothes of the opposite sex for sexual satisfaction, but there are differences.
For example, if a man A says he enjoys wearing women’s clothes because it makes him feel ashamed, and another man B says he enjoys wearing women’s clothes, people might assume they are both CD. If they both post photos, an observer C might comment, “Wow, you’re a man wearing a skirt and bra. How disgraceful.”
A might respond, “Stop it! I’m so embarrassed!”
B might respond, “F*** off!”
The different responses highlight the psychological difference between CD and Sissy Maids. Sissy Maids enjoy the humiliation and shame from wearing women’s clothes, while CDs derive sexual arousal directly from the clothes themselves.
Sissy Maids are specifically male submissives, whereas CD can apply to anyone and is not confined to a particular role. In theory, a woman who enjoys wearing men’s clothes and derives sexual satisfaction from it also falls under CD. However, since women wearing men’s clothes is more socially acceptable, and CD can be either dominant or submissive, it’s not strictly confined to submissive roles.
However, in Chinese BDSM culture, CD has become synonymous with male submissives, often confused with Sissy Maids, leading to misunderstandings.
Another common confusion lies between CD and TS (transsexuals). TS refers to individuals who psychologically reject their biological gender, believing they belong to the opposite gender.
For example, a male TS might enjoy wearing women’s clothes but does so because they identify as female. For them, it’s not “cross-dressing” but simply wearing clothes appropriate to their gender identity.
Understanding the Psychology of Sissy Maids
Having clarified these distinctions, we face the next question: Why do Sissy Maids exist? How does this psychology form? Why is forced feminization humiliating for men, but there is no forced masculinization for women?
To put it bluntly, why is making a man wear stockings and skirts considered a form of humiliation and a training project, while making a woman wear a suit is seen as normal or even stylish?
Humans are born naked; no clothes are inherently gendered. The gendering of clothing is a societal construct, especially for clothing items that highlight female physical traits. As Simone de Beauvoir said, “One is not born, but rather becomes, a woman.”
Throughout history, women’s clothing and aesthetics have been controlled by male-dominated societies. From the Renaissance to the early 20th century, women were often seen as dolls in patriarchal societies, serving as objects for male appreciation.
During the Renaissance, women started wearing corsets from age 12 to accentuate their waist-to-bust ratio, fulfilling male visual satisfaction. In the 1800s, France even enacted laws prohibiting women from wearing pants, ensuring every woman wore skirts to satisfy male fantasies.
It wasn’t until 1911 that Paul Poiret designed the first women’s trousers, and it took over a century for women to gain the right to wear them.
In 1966, with the rise of the women’s rights movement, Yves Saint Laurent designed the first women’s suit, challenging the patriarchal society and creating the iconic “Le Smoking” tuxedo.
We see that clothing evolution is tied to power struggles. Women’s attire has been socially regulated to be more sexually provocative. High heels were initially worn by European royalty but were quickly assigned to women for their leg-enhancing effects, similar to stockings and corsets.
In a patriarchal society, men hold significant discourse power, and women must fight for their clothing freedom. Men, theoretically, should wear whatever they want. But why are men also restricted? High heels, stockings, and skirts were initially worn by men. Why are they now considered humiliating for men?
The essence lies in the gender inequality manifested through clothing. Patriarchy’s hallmark is binary gender opposition—men are considered primary, women secondary. Gender-specific clothing is an external manifestation of this inequality.
In a society where tailored suits symbolize male authority and high heels and stockings signify femininity, men, burdened with national pride and responsibility, are forbidden from appearing weak or sexy.
Men’s own restrictions on women’s clothing have deprived them of the normal opportunity to wear such items. They are also victims of the patriarchal system.
Thus, when a man wears clothing symbolizing female traits, deeply ingrained gender discourse binds him to a metaphorical stake of shame, where “like a girl” and “as a girl” become insults. Consequently, anything associated with femininity becomes inferior, shameful, and lowly, giving rise to “forced feminization.”
The essence of Sissy Maid, like other BDSM practices, is about chasing shame and converting it into pleasure. “Forced feminization” is just a tool for achieving this, rooted in the discrimination against women in patriarchal societies.
In female BDSM behavior, there’s no equivalent to forced masculinization because it’s not considered shameful.
“Like a boy” and “smart and capable” are seen as compliments. Thus, female politicians or business leaders often present more masculine public images. Short hair signifies capability, pantsuits signify competence, and a strong speaking voice signifies authority. Meanwhile, soft-spoken, gentle roles are reserved for service positions, usually filled by women.
So, in a patriarchal society, emulating men is seen as progress, while emulating women is degrading and humiliating. When asked about the psychology behind Sissy Maids, don’t call them perverse. Instead, explain that it’s due to the dual oppression of both genders under male chauvinism.
Just as women fought for over a century for the right to wear pants, men are now feeling ashamed of wearing skirts.
Can Sissy Maids Be Treated?
This question arose from a post on Quora by a newlywed woman. She wrote that her husband, who had always been caring and dependable during their relationship, recently confessed his Sissy fetish. He wanted to wear her lingerie and be humiliated during their intimate moments. Shocked, she cried every day and asked, “How can I cure my husband and make him return to his old self?”
The responses varied widely. Some psychologists advised that this isn’t an illness. Dual-role transvestism (non-sexual cross-dressing) and fetishistic transvestism (sexual arousal from cross-dressing) were once listed as mental disorders in the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-10) but were removed in ICD-11.
Others suggested various dubious methods like electric shock therapy and aversion techniques, sharing their “real” experiences.
However, the most touching response came from a 60-year-old grandfather. Here is his answer:
“I’m 60 years old and have had two wives.
My first wife was my high school sweetheart. She discovered my fetish in a rather unusual way. We had been married for nine years when she accidentally opened the trunk of our car and found my pink panties and bra. She asked if I was having an affair, and I had to admit they were mine. In my fantasies, I always wore them while worshipping at my wife’s feet. The embarrassment of being caught made me cry as I confessed.
She cried too, admitting how distressed she was to discover my ‘disgusting’ secret. I truly felt I had done something wrong. We had been married for nine years, and I didn’t want to lose her. We saw a psychologist and tried various therapies. Every time I failed to improve, I apologized and promised to try harder next time because we had been married for nine years.
But can this fetish be ‘cured’?
There is no cure because it isn’t a disease but a state of being. If your husband is ever ‘cured,’ it means he is just hiding it better. He is burying his true self for your sake.
Before I lost my first wife, I did the same.
Later, I married my second wife. When I confessed my Sissy tendencies to her, we were sitting on the apartment floor drinking. I told her I worshipped women and wanted to be her subordinate while wearing women’s clothes. She asked if I was gay, and I said no, I just adored the idea of revering the woman I loved. She then asked, ‘Can I call you Danielle?’ (Danielle being a more feminine version of Daniel). I was both surprised and delighted.
After we got married, she has always treated me with love and respect. We’ve been together ever since, and I feel comfortable and free dressing as a woman at home. I am grateful I found her.
So, I want to say there might be no cure because it’s not a disease but a way of living. What we can do is find a suitable ‘state of existence.’ For Sissies and their families, this is not easy, and feeling desperate is common.”
The most touching part of his answer was, “There is no cure because it isn’t a disease but a state of being.”
Many psychological states aren’t diseases. They don’t inherently cause distress. The real distress comes from the lack of understanding and pressure of being “different from others.” But if we think about it, how can we ever be exactly the same as others? If everyone were cut from the same mold, how could humanity’s biological diversity exist?
In summary, today we introduced the concepts and psychology related to Sissy Maids. You’ll find that if we don’t preemptively label it as abnormal, understanding it reveals that this psychology isn’t particularly strange.
Essentially, it’s about converting shame into pleasure. You like dirty talk; she likes certain shameful positions; he likes forced feminization. There’s no difference.
In the end, nothing is truly abnormal. The greatest abnormality in the world is forcing everyone to be normal.
The world is vast and full of wonders, and it’s beautiful because of that.
• The End –
References:
1. “cross-dress.” The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004.
2. “Definition – What does Forced Feminization mean?” Kinkly.com. Retrieved 27 Jan. 2018”.
3. Alison M. Jaggar, Feminist Politics and Human Nature, Higher Education Press, 2009.
4. Li Dangqi, Western Fashion History, Higher Education Press, 2015.
5. Annemarie Vaccaro, Gerri August, Megan S. Kennedy (2011). Safe Spaces: Making Schools and Communities Welcoming to LGBT Youth. ABC-CLIO. p. 142. ISBN 978-0313393686. Retrieved October 21, 2016.
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