It may sound plausible, but in reality, they are fundamentally different.
To distinguish between D/S relationships and PUA, one must understand the differences to be a qualified dom. When discussing D/S, many people like to focus on “control.” Sometimes, I do too, but in my usage, it is closer to “guidance.” The principle is similar to “nudge.” Originally meaning a gentle push with the elbow, this term metaphorically implies using subtle actions to influence behavior. It preserves the freedom of choice while also nudging people toward certain decisions.
D/S seeks inequality; the control over the sub is transparent from the beginning and is a subjective choice. The sub enjoys being guided and submits willingly, not as a result of being controlled by the Dom. For example, a masochist may feel pleasure when spanked, whereas for others, it would be abuse.
However, it’s evident that control in D/S can easily turn into PUA if mishandled. When a dom is no longer satisfied with the control within the relationship and seeks to dominate every aspect of the sub’s life, PUA phenomena arise within the community. This not only damages the sub’s mental health but also hinders their ability to maintain self-esteem and confidence in everyday life. There are self-proclaimed doms in the community engaging in what is essentially PUA.
By clarifying the key differences between healthy mental control in D/S and PUA, we can also use these differences to identify PUA in the community. If your dom not only controls your thoughts and commands submission within the game but also infiltrates your social interactions and daily life, dictating your actions outside the scene, this is a red flag for PUA.
While the sub’s main gratification often comes from submission and being dominated, it’s crucial to recognize the boundary between the game and reality. Don’t let the game lead you to lose track of your normal life.
How a Qualified Dom Manages Control Over a Sub
In my opinion, control is a challenging play, especially for subs with psychological issues. A dom needs basic psychological knowledge to manage such subs effectively. Beyond control, a dom must ensure to help the sub disengage from the game and return to normal social life. This prevents dependence and encourages independent thinking.
For nurturing a long-term D/S relationship, a dom’s guidance in the sub’s daily life must be reasonable and structured. Avoid turning “guidance” into “control” and “suggestions” into “commands.” Emphasize developing the sub’s ability to think independently. The relationship should foster mutual growth rather than dragging each other down.
A dom seeks heartfelt submission, achieved through respect, care, and kindness, making the sub genuinely willing to submit. In contrast, “submission by force” involves non-consensual methods, such as mental control, oppression, or brainwashing, akin to PUA.
PUA, as I understand it, involves mental suppression, where one party uses techniques to brainwash and mentally control and exploit the other. This is fundamentally different from control in D/S, which should be positive and encouraging. PUA is about ruthless exploitation to achieve personal goals.
I believe any healthy relationship promotes growth. In a healthy D/S relationship, the sub is guided to develop positively, while the dom gains a stronger sense of responsibility and confidence. We become better because of each other, and that’s the essence of this relationship.
Leave a Reply