In my exploration of BDSM, I’ve gradually discovered that some friends, whether male or female, have developed a deep affection for this intimate relationship dynamic, often finding it hard to shake off. This phenomenon is known as SM addiction.
It’s the allure of this relationship that captivates them.
Even some of your seemingly asexual friends might surprise you. In their closets, you might find fascinating items like exquisite whips, coiled ropes, or specially shaped gags.
From my perspective, the sexual tension in SM largely stems from this very thing—the contrast.
In BDSM culture, “contrast” often refers to the juxtaposition of different sensory and emotional experiences. This can be in terms of physical sensations, emotional states, or power dynamics.
For instance, there’s the intertwining of pain and pleasure, achieving an intense experience through sensory contrast. Some BDSM enthusiasts enjoy using whips or other tools to create a slight pain, followed by intense pleasure in subsequent intimate contact.
Emotionally, contrast can mean transitioning from one emotional state to another. For example, a person who is bound may feel helpless and vulnerable, but when they are released and comforted, they feel extremely safe and warm.
In terms of power dynamics, contrast refers to the switch between dominance and submission. Both parties in a BDSM relationship might play the roles of dominator and submissive, experiencing power exchange through agreements and role-play.
Simply put, she might be a strong, independent woman in her daily life, self-sufficient, but in BDSM, she becomes your kitten or puppy, doing things under your command that no one would ever imagine…
Or he might be stern and serious, rarely smiling, but in BDSM, he might wield a shiny black leather whip, doing wild things…
Here, “she” or “he” doesn’t specifically refer to any gender; both men and women can be dominants or submissives. I’m just giving examples.
So, the sexual tension in SM often comes from this sense of contrast, the stark difference in behavior from their everyday persona, which can even surprise the person themselves.
At the same time, it brings additional stimulation and excitement.
Besides contrast, sexual tension also includes aspects like a healthy physique, pleasant scents, polite manners, and strong emotional resonance (the ability to provide emotional value). These factors contribute to sexual tension regardless of gender, and I won’t list them all here.
Regarding what detracts from sexual tension, it’s quite simple. It’s essentially the opposite of the points mentioned above.
For instance, poor physical health. Here, I want to emphasize that a healthy physique doesn’t mean you need to have “180 cm height,” “six-pack abs,” or “S-shaped or pear-shaped body.” I believe that as long as a person, whether male or female, maintains good health, gets enough nutrition, and engages in regular exercise, having a generally healthy body is sufficient. There’s no need to be overly critical—who can guarantee they’re perfect?
Simply chasing physical perfection is not enough; there needs to be a connection of souls.
Otherwise, why would anyone go through the effort of finding a BDSM partner for an intimate relationship?
Let me give an example: An unhealthy male S/Dom (someone who frequently engages in self-destructive behavior) who has an unpleasant odor (like body odor) and is overly demanding of his submissive’s physique and appearance. Without establishing a relationship, he starts giving orders (like immediately asking the submissive to perform certain acts or send specific photos and videos)—isn’t that a complete turn-off?
Moreover, this S/Dom might just walk away after satisfying his desires.
I believe this is the epitome of what detracts from sexual tension.
So, in a BDSM relationship, strive to create sexual tension, not to diminish it.
Here are additional factors that can decrease sexual tension:
1. Comparisons with Others: Constantly comparing a submissive to others, especially in online settings, can be a huge turn-off. It’s disrespectful and undermines trust.
2. Lack of Financial Stability: Playing the role of a “Daddy” without having the financial stability to support that dynamic can lead to unrealistic expectations and disappointment.
3. Poor Communication Skills: Not listening to or respecting the submissive’s limits and boundaries can destroy the relationship’s foundation of trust.
4. Inconsistency: Being inconsistent with rules and expectations can create confusion and anxiety, reducing the overall experience’s pleasure.
5. Self-Centered Behavior: Prioritizing one’s desires over the needs and well-being of the submissive shows a lack of care and can quickly erode any sexual tension built.
So, please, in a BDSM relationship, aim to enhance sexual tension, not diminish it.
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