In this section, I will discuss the sexual fantasies and activities of asexual individuals.
Rather Than Having Sex, You’d Rather…
When you think about sex, you might realize there are dozens of things you’d rather be doing.
I’d rather read a book. I’d rather watch TV. I’d rather play video games. I’d rather go to the movies. I’d rather gaze at the stars. I’d rather walk the dog. I’d rather go shopping. I’d rather organize the books on my shelf by the author’s birthdate. I’d rather go birdwatching. I’d rather build a LEGO model as a tribute to the Prime Minister of Canada. I’d rather work on my car. I’d rather mow the lawn. I’d rather learn Esperanto. I’d rather fly a kite. I’d rather eat cake…
Your “Wet Dreams” Have Nothing to Do with Sex
I’ve had an “inappropriate” dream before, but it was about mortgages. I dreamt of naked women throwing themselves at me, and I told them I was really busy and had somewhere to be. I’ve had dreams where women were clearly approaching me, but I walked away. I told the women in my dreams to put on some clothes because it was quite cold.
It’s as if the part of my brain that controls dreams doesn’t realize I’m asexual, so it still sends out “wet dream” signals, but the rest of my brain doesn’t process them, so they always end in strange ways.
Many asexual people never have sex-related dreams at all.
You Think Sexy Clothes Look Uncomfortable and Cold (After All, There’s So Little Fabric), and You Don’t Understand Why Anyone Would Wear Them
Tight pants look like they’re strangling the person. You see someone wearing them and think they must be uncomfortable.
High heels look like an ankle fracture waiting to happen. Crop tops must be freezing in this fall weather.
All the lace just leaves weird patterns on your skin.
Thongs seem like they’d cut you in half like a chainsaw.
I also never get the point of makeup.
You Don’t Fantasize
Other people seem to “undress” others with their eyes.
Others seem to dream about being with the quarterback or the cheerleader.
Everyone seems to have sexual fantasies.
But you don’t. It’s not that you think it’s wrong or immoral; it just doesn’t occur to you. Your mind works differently. It doesn’t naturally imagine being in bed with someone.
It’s also possible that you can’t have sexual fantasies. Maybe you try to imagine some erotic scenarios but fail. You might have tried undressing someone with your eyes but didn’t even know how to take off a bra. If your fantasies aren’t “erotic” enough, you get stuck on the details and end up unable to enjoy them like others, deriving no pleasure from them.
You Don’t Like Sex
Some asexual people don’t like sex; they don’t want to do it, see it, or hear about it. At the age when most people are awakening to their sexuality and contemplating losing their virginity, these asexual individuals are just thinking: “What’s the big deal?”
While not liking sex doesn’t automatically make someone asexual, many asexual people do dislike sex; when they try to figure out why they dislike sex, they discover they are asexual (rather than it being due to illness, trauma, etc.).
Many people with sexual attraction might also not like sex initially. Think about it; the whole process of sex can be a bit gross. However, this aversion is eventually replaced by sexual attraction due to sexual development, awareness, hormones, etc., where the appeal of sex greatly outweighs the disgust. But for sex-repulsed asexuals, sexual attraction never replaces those feelings.
“Gross” isn’t the only reason people dislike sex. Some asexuals find sex boring or uncomfortable. In short, there can be countless reasons for not liking sex.
You “Like” Sex, but It Feels Off
This “off” feeling isn’t about thinking “sex is sinful and dirty.” It’s more like starting to button a shirt from the wrong hole or having gum stuck to your shoe. It seems fine at first glance, but the more you think about it, the more off it feels.
Maybe you physically enjoy sex. Maybe you like making your partner feel good. You might genuinely enjoy certain aspects of sex.
But at the same time, something is missing. When you observe your partner’s reactions, it’s clear that you aren’t experiencing some of the same things. You can’t quite put your finger on it, but you know something is there. There’s an invisible spark behind their eyes that you keenly realize is missing from yours.
This is how I feel during sex. Physically, it feels good, but emotionally/mentally, I’m detached from the situation and my partner. She wants it, she loves it, she’s been craving that moment for months, and I feel nothing.
You Have Sex Because You “Should”
You’ve never really been interested in sexy things, never had the drive or physical desire to have sex, never saw someone and wanted to sleep with them. You want to have sex because “that’s what people do.” Later, you have a partner who wants to have sex, and you go along with it because “that’s what people do.”
You keep having sex because “that’s what I should do”—it feels more like an obligation or chore than an expression of love. Initially, you might want to give it a try, but over time, you grow tired of it.
When You First See a Naked Body (in a Sexual Context, Not in Other Contexts like Sex Ed), You See It as an Anatomy Lesson, Not an Object of Desire
This happened to me. I was with my first (and so far only) girlfriend in the bedroom. Under her guidance, things were getting heated. She was sitting on my bed in a miniskirt. She asked me to sit on the floor in front of her, spread her legs, and pull her panties aside.
In that situation, most young men would probably be thrilled—it’s a milestone, something they’ve dreamed of. Years of fantasies are about to come true in the next five minutes. For most guys, it’s like being invited to a dream playground where they can have all the fun they want.
What was I thinking?
“Oh, so that’s what it looks like!”
No rush of lust, no intense desire. I didn’t even think I should touch it. Instead, I looked at it like a map, seeing all the places I’d heard about. I wanted to connect my prior knowledge and observe it in a real scenario.
In hindsight, this should have been a clear signal, reminding me that I was asexual long before I realized it.
You Focus on Actions, Not Emotions
During intimate moments, you focus on trying to do the right actions, touching the right places the right way, as if following a set of instructions, rather than focusing on the emotions. In some cases, the pressure to push all the right buttons can make the experience very mechanical and unpleasant.
“Maybe I’ll Like It If I Try”
You haven’t had sex yet. You’re not passionate about it. It’s not that you’re against it; you’re just not that interested. But other people seem to like it, so maybe if you try it, you’ll like it too. Maybe you just need to try it to understand. I call this the “Green Eggs and Ham” hypothesis: You say you don’t like it. But try it! You might like it!
If you try, maybe you’ll become interested in sex. It seems reasonable. Their thought is, if you don’t try, how do you know if you’re really not interested? Well, the answer is you can know without trying. After all, you don’t have to hug a cactus to know it’s unpleasant. So, if you’re sure sex isn’t your thing, don’t feel pressured to keep trying to prove you don’t like it.
On the other hand, if you have that thought and are willing to experience it, go for it. Maybe you’ll like it, maybe you won’t; it doesn’t matter. I had that thought and did try sex. Of course, the result was…
You’ve Had Sex and Thought “Meh”
That’s it?
Wasn’t it supposed to be like fireworks and standing ovations like in the movies?
Wasn’t my life supposed to change forever?
Wasn’t this supposed to be the greatest experience of my life?
I don’t feel anything special. Why do people spend their whole lives chasing this?
How could this ruin so many politicians’ careers?
How can so many people think this is the meaning of life?
I don’t know, I guess it was kind of fun, but only a little. It was also a bit boring. Did I miss something?
You Don’t Enjoy Masturbation
Maybe you’ve tried it before but never succeeded, never reaching the climax.
Maybe you did climax, but you viewed it like any other bodily function, like sneezing or shivering.
Maybe you found it gross and repulsive.
Maybe you do it and wish you could stop.
In any case, you don’t see it as something pleasurable or fun. It’s not due to guilt or shame. You just don’t like it.
You Masturbate and Think “Who Needs a Partner When I Have My Hand?”
Hearing others talk about their sexual experiences, you might think, “Hmm, I can do that myself. I don’t need anyone’s help.” You can focus on your feelings without worrying about a partner, not having to maintain the atmosphere like at a party.
When others see masturbation as a sad thing (because it means someone can’t find a partner, which is sad), you’re a bit confused because masturbation isn’t a big deal for you. When considering sex with someone else, you might think their presence just complicates things. Maybe you’ve had sex but didn’t think it was better than DIY.
You Find Arousal Annoying
You don’t see arousal as a signal for sex; you just find it annoying (think about guys waking up with morning wood).
It’s distracting and pops up randomly . For some, it can be an obstacle. If there were a button to turn off arousal, you’d press it.
And your arousal isn’t directed at anyone; it just happens naturally.
I am a sex researcher and currently reading literature related to sex. This translation will only be used for reading and research purposes, not for any other uses.
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