While emphasizing the SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) principles in BDSM, defining power boundaries can be challenging. Unequal power dynamics often extend beyond play, leading to physical and mental harm for the submissive (sub/M). Many subs have faced boundary violations but struggle to say no due to people-pleasing tendencies, inexperience, or being trapped in their submissive role.
@Anonymous
My boyfriend and I had agreed to have sex, but I’m very slow to warm up and didn’t want to have sex the first time we met. When we closed the hotel door, he immediately switched to a dominant mode, and I felt so small and mesmerized that I went along with it. Afterward, out of that state, I regretted it, feeling disrespected. Now, he’s my ex.
@Joanna
In the early stages with a new S, who was more of a sadist than a dom, he focused on punishment without logical reasons. Once, I asked if he was home yet, and he angrily responded, “Didn’t you see my earlier message? I said I was on my way home!” He wanted to punish me for asking. When I expressed my intent and my feelings, he said I was talking back and didn’t deserve to feel hurt, demanding I take two punishments. This wasn’t play; it was just unfair.
@Anonymous
I’m a sub, and my ex was a dom. Once, while watching TV and asking him to get me some water, I lightly teased him when he refused. He pinned me down and started dirty talk, getting increasingly into it while I felt forced into play, eventually leading to punishment for something minor.
@Little White Cat
As a sub with a puppy kink, I dislike face slapping and had told my dom. However, he suggested using it as punishment. Although I felt uneasy, I didn’t firmly reject it. During a session, he said, “I’ll reward you with a slap, okay?” I nodded in my dazed state and was slapped. He called it a reward, but I felt our trust collapse.
@Yoyo
My dom, five years younger and a fit, sunny guy, was usually hard to resist despite discomforts. Before our first session, I gave him my kinky list, making clear I disliked anal play. He understood initially but later demanded I rim him. I felt cornered, unable to refuse while bound. Post-session, he dismissed my objections, insisting I liked it because I didn’t outright refuse during the act.
@Anonymous
As the eldest child with a strict father, I was taught to yield without protest. This translated into relationships where I adjusted to please others, struggling to assert my dislikes. My dom suggested a genital piercing. Despite my fears, I consented to avoid disappointing him, leading to persistent anxiety. To cope, I convinced myself I liked it.
@Luna
My former S persistently urged me to try anal play. Despite my discomfort, he framed it as a patient, considerate suggestion, pushing me to agree to try. The experience was unpleasant and degrading, proving my initial reluctance right. His insistence wasn’t about my pleasure but claiming dominance. I should’ve firmly said no without needing to prove my dislike through trying.
@Anonymous
As a people-pleaser and INFJ, I often fell for narcissistic doms. One dom, new to BDSM, ignored my fear of shaving, insisting it was harmless. Under his pressure, I reluctantly complied. His demands escalated until I ended it. Now, with a supportive dom, I confidently refuse anything I’m uncomfortable with.
If you struggle with saying no, it’s crucial to recognize and address this issue. Reading these stories might help you identify toxic dynamics and find your voice. Prioritize self-love and assert your boundaries firmly. Remember, your well-being comes first.
Friend’s Question: My Experience as a New Sub in the Scene
Question
Hello, I’m a new sub in the BDSM scene and have some concerns. I’ve tried online D/s relationships three times, each ending quickly. Here are my experiences:
The first dom stated that a sub must fully obey the dom. When I insisted on privacy (no face in photos, no personal info), he ended things abruptly.
The second dom, closer to my age, used phrases like “send a pic” which turned me off. I want a dom who is more mature and strong. Under stress and feeling down, I sought a dom, but he kept complaining about his busy work life. It felt like he needed emotional support more than I did, so I ended it.
The third dom seemed better initially. He accepted my need for privacy, asking for gradual trust. When he asked if I could send nudes immediately, I complied, feeling a mix of obligation and trust. He praised my obedience, assigning tasks like daily photos and greetings. Over a few days, we developed a connection; he offered support, though sometimes failing to understand my deeper issues.
When I hid something during a task, he wanted to end things. Desperate to keep the warmth I found, I begged him to stay. He demanded a demeaning task, which I couldn’t do. The next day, he gave a simpler task, which I completed.
My insecurity grew, and I constantly worried about displeasing him. I worked hard to please him, causing emotional exhaustion. I initially sought a dom to guide me out of my struggles but found myself trapped in a new one. I know a dom providing emotional value should not be my emotional dumpster. As an exchange, I offered some control, believing it fair. But now, I feel I’m giving more than receiving. He no longer senses my emotions or offers support as before. I want to end this draining relationship but feel hesitant and confused.
Answer
Your experience echoes what many new subs face when entering the BDSM scene. I’m surprised that despite being in this community for over eight years, the same tactics are still used by some doms to manipulate new subs.
For subs struggling with asserting themselves, adopting a mindset like that of NT+brat types can be helpful. For instance, when someone insists a sub must fully obey a dom, an NT brat might respond:
“Oh really? If power comes with responsibility, then as a dom, you should handle everything for me, including my annoying work tasks. Get started!”
Those with NT+brat traits often deflect external manipulation and don’t easily accept external control, naturally challenging unwarranted authority.
Despite identifying as a sub, I see myself as an “M-playing S.” When I’m subjected to control or punishment, it’s because I enjoy it and have control over the relationship. In life and emotions, I adopt an S-like control, guiding or cutting off relationships as needed.
Another crucial point often overlooked in establishing BDSM relationships is mutual attraction, liking, understanding, and trust. This emotional groundwork should precede play. Because I’m attracted to, like, understand, and trust you, I know your “shaming” dirty talk means only you see my hidden, quirky side, not emotional disdain or disrespect.
Similarly, because of this emotional foundation, I willingly follow your online commands even from afar. Though you might not notice if I slack off, I’m still eager to follow your lead, as if you’re beside me.
In many failed BDSM relationships, the emotional connection is often missing. It’s not about two people interacting based on emotional bonds but rather based on labels. Some relationships start with only three criteria: roles, gender, and location, which is insufficient for a meaningful relationship.
Influenced by media, some doms have an ideal sub image—completely obedient, giving up personal will as proof of their devotion. Conversely, some subs have an ideal dom image—always maintaining a high-status demeanor, never showing vulnerability. But real relationships aren’t like this. True connection isn’t about maintaining an archetypal role but embracing each other’s multifaceted nature.
Daily, I contact models for photo shoots. Recently, we released a collar with “cat/dog” designs. A female blogger messaged me with her boyfriend’s photo, asking for a “dog” collar. He wore dog ears and a cozy, oversized sweater, exuding a friendly vibe. She called him her “boyfriend,” not using BDSM-related terms. Their interaction reflected sweet, genuine affection.
Initially, I thought they were in a female-dom, male-sub relationship. Upon exploring her page, I found their dynamic leaned more towards male-dom, female-sub play. Curious, I asked if they were both switches. She said she was, but he wasn’t. He just enjoyed playing along. Regardless of their play, she ultimately ended up being the one who got “disciplined.”
Surprised, I admired their dynamic—an ideal BDSM relationship for me. It’s about two people doing something full of sexual tension and vitality, not based on labels but genuine love. Your resilience and softness, your multifaceted nature, are all deeply cherished by your lover.
By sharing these insights, I hope to guide new subs in navigating the BDSM world, emphasizing the importance of emotional bonds, mutual respect, and understanding.
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